the station that speaks your language (broken english)
Jul. 3rd, 2025 08:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
The full case name is "City of Eugene v. Debutante Society of Oregon", but the abbreviated version is fine too.
-- tahnan
The full case name is "City of Eugene v. Debutante Society of Oregon", but the abbreviated version is fine too.
-- tahnan
Making dinner was so hard I couldn't eat dinner. I just laid on my bed and couldn't talk or think properly at all.
It was scary because it meant that the problem wasn't contained in the immediate aftermath of counseling or whatever (not that I really expected it to be, given that I'd actually spent most of the session talking about how I was surprised not to be triggered by something that very reasonably could have been expected to leave me feeling really bad). And it was miserable.
I ended up sleeping for three or four hours and woke up because I needed to pee and D came to bed about that time. He thought I was asleep because I didn't move or talk. Until I had to get up for the bathroom and then after I came back to bed I was sobbing and we talked a little.
The conversation was good and useful. We came up with some plans. I know D has been struggling with poor sleep and I wouldn't have done this after midnight if I'd had much choice about it. But I did feel much better afterwards.
Today has started normally. But then so did yesterday (I was relieved when I could open the curtains and do chores while feeling okay), so who kmows.
In spring of 2022, I tried out a kick scooter my husband randomly brought home, and loved it, which got me thinking about riding a bike. I needed something to do in the spring and summer, when ice skating is much less available. Back in 2020, I’d bought myself a little three-speed steel retro bike, with fenders and a Dynamo hub and a front rack, but I was too busy and stressed to re-learn how to ride a bike at that point.
So once I finally had the bandwidth, I took my bike out into the quiet parking lot of a closed doctor’s clinic on a Sunday, practiced mounting and dismounting (using a curb), and slowly got myself riding on quiet streets and getting my balance back. Riding a bike as a fat adult felt quite different than it had as an average-sized kid, and it took a while to get my muscle memory back. But with patience and letting myself go slow, it did come back. With a vengeance.
I started riding that granny bike everywhere, as fast as possible, on gravel trails and in the forest, and eventually for 50 km one summer’s day. Then I thought, “I’m gonna need a faster bike.”
All of this, from buying skates and taking lessons, to buying a bike and then needing a better bike, was all wildly intimidating as a somewhat shy person, but also as a fat person. Going into sports-focused stores does not feel comfortable as a fat person. I feel lucky that no one gave me a hard time, but they easily could have, and it would have been very discouraging.
I forced myself to go to a couple of bike shops and test ride some bikes…and then I fell in love, predictably, with the ugliest and most expensive bike possible: a Salsa Warbird with a carbon frame in millennial gray. I was immediately repulsed by the colour when they pulled it off the rack, but when I rode it, I found myself whispering sweet nothings to it, telling it how smooth it was, how fast it was, and how much I loved it, even though it was far too expensive for me. I went home and sulked for a week, and my husband told me to go back and buy the Warbird, so I did.
It was still ugly, and I still loved it more than I have ever loved an object before. It was and continues to be the most expensive thing I have ever owned. I rode it a bunch in the late summer and fall of 2023, culminating in an 85 km trip.
The following spring, I got hit by a car (thankfully it was a very slow, ridiculous crash and I was only a bit bruised), and had to replace a bunch of parts on my bike (which thankfully the driver’s insurance paid for), as well as the frame, which is now a beautiful, glossy black instead of gray. So now I’m even more in love with it, and that’s what I was riding this morning, yet another roller coaster in my life.
I did not think all this would happen when I decided to accept myself as a fat person and stop dieting in November 2000. I just wanted to experience peace in my body, stop caring so much about how I looked, stop experiencing the intense shame that I’d been taught to feel about my weight, and the guilt and confusion around food that came with it. I had no idea I was an athlete; I had no desire to become one. But somehow, learning to treat myself and my body with compassion allowed me to learn things about myself that had been hidden for years, decades.
As it turns out, I’m a small-time thrill-seeker, a diver, a skater, a cyclist. I’m still fat. Hills are hard, but I descend like a beast.
It's been almost 30 years since Tony Blair's landslide victory. And I am still pissed off about the way he & his government dropped the issue of proportional representation as soon as they got into power.
Still pissed off about Tony Blair full-stop. Not sure what I expected - that he'd get elected and then nip into a handy phone booth & come out wearing his 'S for Socialist' t-shirt?
My friend J.R. Dawson is launching their second book, The Lighthouse at the End of the World, and I get to be part of the festivities! We'll be at Moon Palace Books at 6:00 p.m. on July 29, having a lovely conversation about this book and the previous book and other stories and life in general, and you can come join in the fun!
Face of sadness & rage: the public library here has had to cut its streaming services, likely in part because of the destruction of the IMLS, which funded a lot of that. This is a fucking travesty.
It's been too hot to bake, so I picked up a loaf of bread and am basking in the season's first tomato sandwiches. Bliss.
One thing I want to do before the end of the summer is borrow the ice cream maker and dehydrator from the Thing Library; my ice cream quest continues (Dutch Chocolate is perfectly fine but not a standout); blueberrying has not been scheduled but I have agreement that it sounds like fun from the people I want to go with. I am up to H.M.S. Surprise in the Aubreyad and enjoying myself thoroughly.
I love summer so much. I feel like a person.
As Safe As Fear, Beth Cato (Daikajuzine)
In the Shells of Broken Things, A.T. Greenblatt (Clarkesworld)
The Name Ziya, Wen-yi Lee (Reactor)
Barbershops of the Floating City, Angela Liu (Uncanny)
Everyone Keeps Saying Probably, Premee Mohamed (Psychopomp)
Lies From a Roadside Vagabond, Aaron Perry (Beneath Ceaseless Skies)
The Girl That My Mother Is Leaving Me For, Cameron Reed (Reactor)
Laser Eyes Ain't Everything, Effie Seiberg (Diabolical Plots)
Unbeaten, Grace Seybold (Beneath Ceaseless Skies)
Unfinished Architectures of the Human-Fae War, Caroline Yoachim (Uncanny)