Incense strikes again
Oct. 2nd, 2011 09:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soniaHad to leave dancing because of incense again. I wrote a letter last winter and it was fine after that, but apparently the meditation teacher forgot over the summer or couldn't be bothered or something. I wrote another polite letter just now, quoting the past correspondence at the bottom. We'll see. I simply can't be there with incense in the air. I get headachy and confused and stop having a good time, and then I'm sick for two days.
The interesting thing is, I feel calm about it. I was much more upset about an event earlier in the evening, where a man casually interrupted me and changed the subject during a meeting, and I responded and then added, "I was talking." He sulked. I asked him later if he was offended with me for not liking being interrupted, and he acknowledged that he did in fact interrupt, but he didn't like the way I handled it. "You acted like you were in charge and I should shut up and sit down." Funny, that's exactly what he was doing, actually.
I hate the sick feeling I get when someone is projecting all over me, the "I can't win" feeling. At least I'm learning to affirm to myself that it's not me, it's the situation. Part of me wonders how I could have responded differently, but I think there was no right answer, except not to object at all when he derailed my contribution with something irrelevant and unimportant. Surrender or struggle. :-(
This post brought to you by disappointment and left-over chemical fumes in my system. Bleah!
The interesting thing is, I feel calm about it. I was much more upset about an event earlier in the evening, where a man casually interrupted me and changed the subject during a meeting, and I responded and then added, "I was talking." He sulked. I asked him later if he was offended with me for not liking being interrupted, and he acknowledged that he did in fact interrupt, but he didn't like the way I handled it. "You acted like you were in charge and I should shut up and sit down." Funny, that's exactly what he was doing, actually.
I hate the sick feeling I get when someone is projecting all over me, the "I can't win" feeling. At least I'm learning to affirm to myself that it's not me, it's the situation. Part of me wonders how I could have responded differently, but I think there was no right answer, except not to object at all when he derailed my contribution with something irrelevant and unimportant. Surrender or struggle. :-(
This post brought to you by disappointment and left-over chemical fumes in my system. Bleah!
no subject
Date: 2011-10-03 01:06 pm (UTC)Oh my god, that's seriously a blessing. That's fantastic!
"You acted like you were in charge and I should shut up and sit down." Funny, that's exactly what he was doing, actually.
Yeah, I've noticed that too. When you're speaking truth to power (even a petty-tyrant power like Mr. Blowhard there), power does not like it. They're never going to like it. They tell us it's about tone, and maybe they even believe that themselves, but they simply do not like being called on their stuff, and it does become a bit of a no-win. It really seems like there's no way to build a friendly relationship with someone dead-set on exercising power over you, and that's a real shame. :(
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Date: 2011-10-03 05:43 pm (UTC)When you put it that way, it does sound kind of obvious. A very clear way of saying it's not me, it's the situation. Thank you! *shakes head* at the number of doomed friendly relationships I have poured my energy into.
Mr. Blowhard (heh) has such a loud sense of his own benevolence that I question my responses to his power-over behavior. Well, maybe he'll hesitate before interrupting me next time. Maybe a little self-awareness will sneak in there too.
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Date: 2011-10-03 05:53 pm (UTC)Oh, well--I don't know about you, but I find I have to re-remember it every time I navigate a situation. I still keep thinking that, you know, this time I can make it work. It's hard to know when to stop trying with a person. *sigh*
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Date: 2011-10-03 06:06 pm (UTC)If I could go back to any earlier age and tell myself something, it would be, "It's not you, it's not you, it's not you AT ALL, it's not you." In fact, maybe I need to write that on a sticky note and post it over the computer.
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Date: 2011-10-03 11:56 pm (UTC)If you can stand to hang around a playground with toddlers to 2nd graders, just sit and watch for a couple hours. See how often the attending parent swoops down on the the bossy girls? That's one more lost chance for us to understand struggle as a normal part of life.
Maybe you could engrave that on the inside of your glasses frames, so it affects your vision everywhere you go?
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Date: 2011-10-04 01:18 am (UTC)When I think about the programming I was getting at ages 2-5...! I want to kneel in front of that child, look into her bewildered, terrified eyes, and tell her it wasn't her fault. Because it wasn't. I think I'm finally getting that.