Link: "Why I Speak"
Mar. 15th, 2016 01:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soniaI ran across one of winterkoninkje's posts, and in conversation she pointed me to "Why I Speak". The whole post is long and thought-provoking and made me think about how and when I speak or write, and when I don't. I have huge respect for what she's doing!
I rarely talk about my own trauma history directly, even with people I've known a long time. I don't have the energy to take care of them around hearing it, and that's mostly what would happen. Or I'd have to defend the truth of it, or with more complex memories, my fragile sense of its probability. I definitely don't have the energy for that.
I write about present-day struggles both as a way of reaching out, and as a way of making them visible to others who might be experiencing similar things. I do it mostly under access-lock, because it's vulnerable, and because it usually involves other people.
I do write a little more generally about the struggles of cPTSD in my articles. It's been an ongoing balancing act to choose how much of my personal story to make explicitly visible there, rather than keeping it implicit in what I choose to write about each month.
The post also made me think about depression. About 15 years ago, I had the first faint inkling that I might have issues with shame. I soon realized that it permeated my life so thoroughly that I couldn't see it at all. By analogy, I wouldn't say I have issues with depression off-hand - I get up in the morning, I get things done - but I wonder sometimes about the ongoing sense of being so tired, of coping rather than enjoying. I wonder if that's normal, or if it's some kind of depression that I can't see because I don't know anything else.
winterkoninkje's posts, and in conversation she pointed me to "Why I Speak". The whole post is long and thought-provoking and made me think about how and when I speak or write, and when I don't. I have huge respect for what she's doing!I talk about a number of sensitive topics: depression, cPTSD, child abuse, sexism. Every one of these are topics where you risk damaging or ruining your career simply by bringing them up. [...]
I speak as a form of active political resistance against the silence culture that pervades the US (and surely the rest of the world). I do not discuss my history as a form of confession, nor as a form of exhibitionism; I talk about my past in order to perform my politics.
I rarely talk about my own trauma history directly, even with people I've known a long time. I don't have the energy to take care of them around hearing it, and that's mostly what would happen. Or I'd have to defend the truth of it, or with more complex memories, my fragile sense of its probability. I definitely don't have the energy for that.
I write about present-day struggles both as a way of reaching out, and as a way of making them visible to others who might be experiencing similar things. I do it mostly under access-lock, because it's vulnerable, and because it usually involves other people.
I do write a little more generally about the struggles of cPTSD in my articles. It's been an ongoing balancing act to choose how much of my personal story to make explicitly visible there, rather than keeping it implicit in what I choose to write about each month.
The post also made me think about depression. About 15 years ago, I had the first faint inkling that I might have issues with shame. I soon realized that it permeated my life so thoroughly that I couldn't see it at all. By analogy, I wouldn't say I have issues with depression off-hand - I get up in the morning, I get things done - but I wonder sometimes about the ongoing sense of being so tired, of coping rather than enjoying. I wonder if that's normal, or if it's some kind of depression that I can't see because I don't know anything else.
Thanks for the link
Date: 2016-03-15 09:21 pm (UTC)I'm all about disclosure because I can. -- no job, adequate income, friends.
Re: Thanks for the link
Date: 2016-03-15 11:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-16 09:29 am (UTC)(I grew up with all three of major-depression, dysthymia, and dysphoria. So I could try offering some insight into disambiguating them, if desired. Also, "they" = she, fwiw.)
no subject
Date: 2016-03-16 03:27 pm (UTC)Yes, it's definitely not the black cloud of major depression. But I'm noticing it's something. As I think about what you said, chronic pain (emotional and physical) comes to mind. A disambiguating post or comment sounds great!