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Happy solstice!
Jun. 21st, 2011 07:05 pmWhat a lovely warm solstice day! I spent much of it out in the garden, pulling out the unwelcome carpet of violets that are just about to go to seed. I like weeding. Even when it looks overwhelming, I can do a little at a time and see clear dirt, clear progress. I've also realized that in Portland, there's going to be a carpet of something every year, so it's not an indication of my failure as a gardener. Interesting to see which weed wins out in each spring's weather pattern.
I've been thinking a lot about success and failure lately. Feeling like a failure because no one is regularly rewarding me for achieving goals. One of the downsides of self-employment and forging my own path through life. I'm puzzling over how I can change my mysterious internal standards so I can feel like a success. Or maybe change my internal standards so feeling like a failure doesn't feel so awful.
I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago. Haven't been to one in years. Sweet couple, sweet relationship, knew a lot of the people attending. It was still awful for me. Not just the coupledom everywhere, but also the perfume everywhere, and feeling like my own attempt at dressing up was not nearly up to snuff. Not being able to eat any of the food, and having an awkward conversation where I explained to someone briefly that it's because of food allergies, and she said, "There are lots of desserts." Huh?! Oh, desserts aren't food, I get it. I think I'm done with weddings for the foreseeable future.
I'm just now getting my energy and ability to focus back - I wonder if I've been recovering from the perfume exposure all this time. My sense of success is definitely tied to accomplishing things, which is a problem when I lose my energy and focus for a week or two at a time.
I've been thinking a lot about success and failure lately. Feeling like a failure because no one is regularly rewarding me for achieving goals. One of the downsides of self-employment and forging my own path through life. I'm puzzling over how I can change my mysterious internal standards so I can feel like a success. Or maybe change my internal standards so feeling like a failure doesn't feel so awful.
I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago. Haven't been to one in years. Sweet couple, sweet relationship, knew a lot of the people attending. It was still awful for me. Not just the coupledom everywhere, but also the perfume everywhere, and feeling like my own attempt at dressing up was not nearly up to snuff. Not being able to eat any of the food, and having an awkward conversation where I explained to someone briefly that it's because of food allergies, and she said, "There are lots of desserts." Huh?! Oh, desserts aren't food, I get it. I think I'm done with weddings for the foreseeable future.
I'm just now getting my energy and ability to focus back - I wonder if I've been recovering from the perfume exposure all this time. My sense of success is definitely tied to accomplishing things, which is a problem when I lose my energy and focus for a week or two at a time.
