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Just One Ally
Aug. 18th, 2012 09:26 amI recently met someone who strikes me as controlling and unpleasant. I have the strong urge to check my perceptions with someone else who knows her, but I feel like I'd be gossiping and starting drama. I've been criticizing myself harshly for even having that urge to check in.
I found this blog post Just One Ally on Pervocracy (via Captain Awkward) incredibly validating.
The comments made me cry, especially this one. When I was a kid, I desperately wanted an ally.
Of course, speaking up isn't a simple decision, and there can be negative consequences. I have met the eyes of children being screamed at in grocery stores, sending them silent support, because there's nothing socially appropriate I can do. I have watched ugly dominating exchanges between couples on public transit, and not even wanted to watch too obviously for fear of making it worse or being attacked myself.
Just yesterday, while sitting on a park bench, I watched a three year old struggle to both turn on a water fountain and reach up to drink from it. I thought about going over and helping, but I thought one of the many people there must be the responsible adult. A man did step up and start to drag the child away, who wailed. The man said he was leaving and walked away. The child continued to struggle with the fountain. A woman did pause and help the child drink, and the man returned and carried the child off. Who doesn't help their child get water?!?
I used to be the one to march over and help, but over the last few years I've realized that I don't always understand the situation and I need to mind my own business more. In retrospect, even giving up my seat on the bus to help a disabled woman might have been unwelcome interference.
It's a huge relief to see that talking about what I see is allowed, at least according to one blogger.
I found this blog post Just One Ally on Pervocracy (via Captain Awkward) incredibly validating.
Next time you see something that seems wrong, but "oh my gosh maybe not really maybe I shouldn't say anything I don't know," you don't have to go right to the cops or the boss or run into the situation with your fists up. What you do have to do--this is a goddamn order--is tell someone about it. Someone as confused and powerless as you are. Just check in. "This seemed off to me, does it seem off to you?"
The comments made me cry, especially this one. When I was a kid, I desperately wanted an ally.
Of course, speaking up isn't a simple decision, and there can be negative consequences. I have met the eyes of children being screamed at in grocery stores, sending them silent support, because there's nothing socially appropriate I can do. I have watched ugly dominating exchanges between couples on public transit, and not even wanted to watch too obviously for fear of making it worse or being attacked myself.
Just yesterday, while sitting on a park bench, I watched a three year old struggle to both turn on a water fountain and reach up to drink from it. I thought about going over and helping, but I thought one of the many people there must be the responsible adult. A man did step up and start to drag the child away, who wailed. The man said he was leaving and walked away. The child continued to struggle with the fountain. A woman did pause and help the child drink, and the man returned and carried the child off. Who doesn't help their child get water?!?
I used to be the one to march over and help, but over the last few years I've realized that I don't always understand the situation and I need to mind my own business more. In retrospect, even giving up my seat on the bus to help a disabled woman might have been unwelcome interference.
It's a huge relief to see that talking about what I see is allowed, at least according to one blogger.
