Word of the year

My word of the year for 2012 was connection. Overall I'm pleased with how that went. Even though I still don't have the kinds of connections I'd like to have, I feel more peaceful and less fraught about it. For example, I didn't talk to a soul on Christmas Day (except the cat), but I didn't expect it to be different. Some deep healing happened. I do have a couple of new friend connections that I value, and a new job that gives me more people contact. As I write more, I realize that on the scale from catastrophic to spectacular, I would call the results middling-okay. Disappointing and relieving both at once.

For 2013 I've chosen "Relax." Physically and emotionally this is a skill I'd like to acquire and practice. I want ease. I want to remember and feel that I'm no longer fighting for my life, that I don't have to try AS HARD AS POSSIBLE all the time. I can idle along at 40% effort and things will work just fine and I might even rebuild some of the reserves I have scoured out.

My parents used to call me lazy. I still flinch defensively when I sit and read for a while, in my own home thirty years later, because they thought reading fantasy was a waste of time when I could be studying. It's hard to claim not working AS HARD AS POSSIBLE all the time. I suppose I'll be exploring that defensive flinch this year.

I would like to learn how to rest. I would like to feel safe enough to rest. I would like to feel that "at last!" feeling of coming home.