Ugly =/= bad

I've been thinking about pretty privilege. I feel like I've somewhat abruptly lost whatever part I had, gaining weight on top of achieving middle age and looking at people crookedly out of one eye.

I'm paying attention to how I use "ugly." "The fight got ugly." "An ugly solution." "Ugly behavior." None of those are about a lack of visible pulchritude. They speak to our culture's pervasive idea that badness is monstrous and monsters are ugly. I veered away from it in a last-minute revision a while back in an article title, "Apologies: Good, Bad, and Abusive." Now I'm trying to excise that usage more thoroughly from my speech and thoughts.

Visual ugliness can arise from genes; from a lack of time, energy, or skill for socially approved grooming; from external or internal scars; from years lived; from the unaccustomed eye of the beholder. Ugliness is in part a lack of symmetry and in part a social construct. None of those tell you anything about a person's ethics or accomplishments.

"Beautiful" can be a problem, too. "Beautifully done," sounds like an innocent synonym for "Well done," but it reinforces our idea that beauty and goodness and skill go together.

Some of the most dangerous badly-behaved people are very pleasant to look at, and can demonstrate excellent manners when it suits them.

Coming up from behind

I've noticed that the people who use the most chemicals and fragrances are the ones who have to make the biggest changes to go fragrance-free at my request. They're also the ones who are most likely to be unaware of residual fragrance on their clothes or in their hair. No wonder they get so huffy when I say (ever so politely) that their efforts aren't enough. No wonder I'm sometimes too tired to say anything, knowing they really tried, knowing I'll wake up with a headache the next day.

I see an analogy with privilege and racism, sexism, etc. The people with the most privilege have to make the most changes, and are also the ones who are most likely to repeatedly screw up as allies. I'm not excusing them (us), but it does give me a smidge more compassion.

Is there any way to use that analogy to help people making their first (or twentieth, or two-hundredth) steps as allies?