While coloring

On impulse, while walking through Powell's, I bought an adult "stress-free" semi-abstract coloring book, and a set of 10 markers.

Then I let them sit for a couple of weeks. Maybe I should give it to someone else. Maybe I should return them.

This morning I realized that my bedroom feels like a more playful place than the downstairs office with the computer. While the bedroom is often too hot or too cold, it was a lovely temperature today, so I brought the coloring book and pens upstairs.

My mental image was of lying on the floor like a young kid, but the armchair looked more comfortable, so I settled there. Flipped through, chose a page full of vines and flowers, and started.

The first thing I realized is that it has to be like a labyrinth walk - the experience is whatever it is, not what I think it should be. I have stomped around labyrinths angrily, and today I colored anxiously.

Not just the expected worries about coloring outside the lines (yay finepoint pens!) and choosing adjacent colors that look good together (boo, no purple pen!), but a surprising worry about using up the pens. Not just the worry about wasting time, but also about wasting a page in the book that maybe someone else could color better.

The design had a lot of repeating elements, and even as I debated internally, I decisively colored matching elements alike. Something about making order.

I noticed this sense of needing to be useful, productive, and underneath that, a sense of not really deserving to use resources.

I'm also noticing that while my daily morning meditation isn't "productive" time, it has not been subject to debate because it so clearly feels better than not doing it. It will be interesting to see how coloring settles out.

I can see why so many people are taking up knitting and crocheting. It's colorful, soothing, repetitive, and you come out with something useful at the end. I used to crochet afghans and scarves. I don't seem to have the same amount of open time, though. There's always something else I could be doing.

Like now, I'm going to go dig out the three rogue bay trees that took root last year. I've been wondering why so much of my garden is overrun with one invasive plant or another, and I realized it's because I was completely overwhelmed last summer and didn't spend much time in the garden. There's always something ready to take over here.

Link: On gaslighting

Another fantastic post from Nora Samaran, On Gaslighting.

When I know inside myself that my perceptions are really fucking accurate, contrary to a lifetime of having them undermined, I feel less like I’m trying to hold on to reality through slipping sand. When I feel less like I’m hanging on to my sanity by a thread, I can approach these situations with more ease, solidity, empathy and understanding.

I waded into the comments over there, and I've been restraining myself from commenting further. So Many Opinions!!

I think they're looking for something analogous to "implicit bias," which lets people admit maybe their behavior is a little bit racist but it's absolutely not their fault. That's great, and it does give some people an entry point into realizing that not everything is fair and they didn't get to where they are purely by the sweat on their brow.

BUT. If we're not willing to admit our behavior is racist, we are still prioritizing our own comfort over the harm we're doing with our behavior.

With gaslighting, where the whole point is unwillingness to name reality, I think sugar-coating it is even less useful. More accurately, my gut screams that it's less useful, that it's capitulation.

We can describe behavior. "You're implying that I'm lying or crazy [about your policy changing]." We can talk about defensiveness, emotional labor, listening skills, caring. In the end, it's gaslighting. It needs to be named as gaslighting, not be wrapped in cotton-wool batting to protect the person causing harm.

I can see where people might be less willing to listen because admitting to gaslighting is painful. But not being willing to admit things because they might be painful is the whole problem in the first place.

Yes, I have a strong reaction to gaslighting. I've had the godawful 100% intentional very very skilled kind, and I've had the everyday yeah we changed our policy but no we don't want to admit it kind. People seem to take slippery reality for granted these days. I want solid ground under my feet.