The breathless part of grief

[sonia]

I feel like I've been kicked in the chest, and have to remind myself to take deeper breaths. I see people bargaining, grasping at straws, and my own grasping flares up. Maybe the electoral college will go rogue, "faithless" (but Congress would undo that immediately), maybe California will secede (hey, take Oregon with you!). Maybe someone will investigate for election fraud and there will be a do-over.

I see people blaming Hillary Clinton (seriously?!) instead of blaming the voters who voted for openly racist, misogynist, abusive Trump (personal responsibility much?!) and the voter-suppression tactics that prevented people who wanted to vote for Clinton. Here's a great writeup from Shakesville If Your Election Postmortem Ignores Racism and Misogyny, It's Probably Wrong by Aphra Behn that covers a lot of those points.

I hold space with my clients, who react with bewildered terror to seeing an open abuser given so much power and approval.

I see notice of a memorial gathering in Boston for tam_nonlinear who killed herself in despair over the threat to her health coverage. I only knew her tangentially. Her death in despair adds to that breathless grief.

I don't need my ACA health coverage to stay alive, but it feels reassuring to have it, to feel like I matter enough to have it, even with a $3,000 deductible and premiums over $200 a month. Part of the breathlessness is the pure spiteful meanness of it all. Causing harm, taking away protections, it's all destructive.

I need this to be different, better, to be fixed. This is wrong, broken. Grief is trying to come to terms with something that should not be, and yet is.

Comments

[jesse_the_k]

Grief is exactly what I feel.

I am glad you can hold space for your clients: it's what they so desperately need and I hope it brings you some relief in that connection.

[sonia]

Yes, giving bodywork is really grounding for me. It's also been interesting to hold space for each person's particular response to Trump's election, and then come back to my own responses.

Maybe my article this month should be about first aid for a huge and continuing shock with bonus gaslighting.