Boundaries

[sonia]

Jim C. Hines on Boundaries:

How often do we teach people that they have the right to take care of themselves? Why don’t we teach that it’s okay to set boundaries? And why the hell don’t we teach people to respect them? [...]

You have the right to say no, period. And if someone can’t accept that, then the hell with them. The problem isn’t you.

The comments are worth reading too. Lots of people chiming in wearily on the social consequences of having clear boundaries. Nice to know I'm not the only one.

A couple of people saying (paraphrased), "I have a strong personality and it's your responsibility to make me aware of your boundaries. If you're not clear enough, it's not my fault." I get a queasy feeling when I read those. I used to hang out with people where "clear enough" was an ever-moving unreachable bar.

I've been thinking about a related double bind, where we're supposed to avoid being victimized by setting clear boundaries, and we're also supposed to be able to get along with all kinds of people. I'm having trouble getting along with people who don't respect my boundaries. Unfortunately, they abound. Some of them are selling things I need, and some of them are refusing to send money they owe me.

Comments

[jesse_the_k]

The abundant boundary-breakers are hereby hexed!

[sonia]

:-) Thank you!

(icon) Red blood cells for strength?

[jesse_the_k]

Yes! Can never have too many corpuscles. (Now I'll learn that surplus corpuscles is the leading cause of mania in 67-year-old Basque farmers.)

[laughingrat]

ROFL at "strong personality." Really? How is that judged? Seems like "strong personality" is often used as a synonym for "jerk." ;)

I hear you on the double bind, for sure.

[sonia]

Yup, I read "strong personality" as "I've already been called out on trampling other people's boundaries, so watch out!"

[suncat]

Regarding those types who demand that you make your boundaries clear, else they feel free to ignore them, I've observed an odd communication manifestation operating too.

That is, they put all the burden of communication on the other people. "You have to convey your message in language that I'll understand or I'll ignore you or call you stupid. But I can use whatever language I want and it's your job to understand me." Makes a great excuse for not recognizing other people's boundaries, or anything else other people might need to say.

I've been very lucky to not run into too many of these types who are in positions of power over me.

[sonia]

*nods* Glad you haven't had to deal with too many of those, although even one can be way too much!