Working through anger

[sonia]

A friend responded to me with uncharacteristic and intense anger a couple of days ago and I don't know why (yet). While I'm waiting on more information, I've been thinking about other times I've faced intense anger.

I don't remember many. One time, I was exhausted and needed to leave, and a friend said if I left, the friendship was over. I thought we would work it out after getting a chance to rest, but despite several attempts, he stuck to the friendship being over.

Another time, a friend was angry that I couldn't continue in a painful situation. Despite attempts to talk about it, that friendship eventually ended too.

I remember being angry as romantic relationships deteriorated, but I don't remember partners communicating anger and working it through. Or responding well to my attempts to communicate anger and work it through. Which is why I'm not in any of those relationships anymore.

I have a felt sense of quicksand in relationships (of any sort). Like, "oops, this ground has gotten treacherous, time to back up." Looking back, I think that's been when people are angry. But they don't say, "I'm angry at you for X and want things to be different going forward." They emotionally withdraw, and eventually cut things off. Sometimes it's been when I felt safe enough to express a boundary of my own, and found out that wasn't safe after all.

I suppose the most... not positive, exactly, but open experiences of anger were as a bodywork practitioner. If a client got angry, I held space and listened and responded as best I could. But that's a different dynamic than relationships out in the world. I do have the basic tools of active listening and trying to stay grounded.

I'm not feeling super hopeful about the current situation. Do you have stories or resources about successfully working through anger?

ETA: I wrote a short apologetic, puzzled email and got back that it's all good, just an intense and exhausting week. Whew. I mean, I got blasted with *something*, but good to know it wasn't about me and therefore no longer my problem.

Comments

[asakiyume]

I'm afraid I don't: dealing with other people's anger is extremely unpleasant; I don't like it at all. There are times when I've just had to take it because I legit did something that was very angry-making, and I could see it (in one case through rank carelessness, in another through trying to do the right thing but getting it wrong--at least from the perspective of the person in question. And a couple of times in a tricky work situation.)

[sonia]

Thanks for sharing. It helps to hear that yes this is unpleasant - and scary, for me.

[muccamukk]

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It's really upsetting.

I've honestly found holding space and listening is the best one can usually do. As often as not, the anger is general and you're the target that they hit first, but it still sucks to go through.

[sonia]

Thanks, good to know that my basic tools are useful, and that's a good point about general anger. That makes me feel a little more hopeful, actually, because I couldn't imagine what I might have done that matched that level of response.

[sabotabby]

Really fascinating. I am quite bad at reading anger, especially online, unless it's directly expressed, and especially in neurospicy folks, who are the majority of people I hang out with socially. So I often realize someone is angry with me too late, and walk around in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop, since historically that's been what happens.

I think about it in reflection with a bizarre exchange last night with a complete stranger. This was someone obviously looking for a fight with a very short fuse and poor impulse control and who didn't get one. But I rarely encounter that, compared to people who just bottle it up.

[sonia]

Yes, all of this. Neurospicy people, waiting for the other shoe to drop and also random strangers unloading. Glad you managed to navigate that situation!

[silveradept]

It is generally rare that I am salt-the-earth angry at someone else for their actions. That tends to manifest in silence and distance rather than explosions. At myself, on the other hand, that happens regularly, and I tend to be vocal and angry about it because it's yet another piece of proof of my failures.

I don't claim to be typical, but mostly, if I'm visibly angry at things, it's usually me, and what works best is to let it burn out and keep me away from trying to break things, including myself.

[sonia]

That sounds painful, being angry at yourself. Also a good tip about people responding to what’s inside them rather than around them. I also tend toward silence and distance when angry, although not being heard elicits a frustrated response.