"Relax. You'll get used to it."

[sonia]

I called my local post office about opting out of zipcode-wide advertising. The first person said, "There's nothing we can do." I asked to speak to the manager, and he was incredibly condescending. "I just put it in the recycling," he said, as if I might not have thought of that. I should just deal with the extra messages invading my space. "We're in the business of delivering mail," he said. I wish I'd thought to say, "No, now you're in the business of selling addresses, and I want you to stop selling mine."

I've been attending shape note singing events for the last few months. I make my peace with the Christian Jesus-y lyrics by focusing on the kind, inclusive people, and the musical skills I'm learning, since it's all in 4-part harmony. It has been repeatedly emphasized to me that the lyrics may be Christian, but the gatherings are not.

HOWEVER. They had a convention this weekend, and someone asked us to stand and then led a prayer about how we were singing for "Jesus Christ our Lord." I stood there with my mouth open, thinking, "Fuck fuck fuck" loudly in my head. I very nearly walked out. At a social gathering that evening I spoke to a few people about it. Several listened and said they understood my point. However, the vice-chair of the event said, "You just need to get comfortable with it." I told her, "I'm quite clear on my limits already."

There are a lot of nice people involved in shape note singing, including a bunch that react with enthusiasm when I bring up Georgian and Balkan singing. I had optimistically brought my music notebook to the social gathering, and we formed a little cluster at the far side of the house and sang in other languages together. I'd like to participate, but I don't want to have to erase myself to do it.

The willful obliviousness of those in power still astonishes me. Not Christian? Just assimilate and you'll be fine. Don't want the advertising we're selling? Just put in the extra effort to deal with what we push into your house. It feels linked to rape culture to me. "Just give in and relax, and there won't be a problem."

The horrible part is that I wonder to what extent that's true. It would be easier to just assimilate. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I have this strong core that reacts with rage to invasion of my boundaries, and doesn't let me just disappear into the bland majority.

Comments

[tim]

It sounds to me like you don't have the choice of assimilating. I find I can try to ignore microaggressions for a while (I learned early on to deal with unpleasantness by dissociating), but they eat away at me even if I'm trying to ignore them. "Get comfortable with it" is something that, if possible at all, means an enormous amount of *work*... and why should you have to do it?

[sonia]

Many good points! I was thinking recently about the word "microaggressions," and how they don't seem so "micro" to me. But at least it puts a name to the action of telling someone they don't count. Thank you for reminding me that it applies here, and for sharing your perspective.

[spiralsheep]

Uncomfortable! Unfortunately, appropriate responses tend to arise only after you discover each group's parameters for behaviour but that means experimenting in a "live" situation, which is less than ideal.

The English folk tradition, in which I've been singing since I was a kid, includes several sorts of Christian religious songs. Some I can sing with soul, and some I can't, so I'm comfortable with singarounds or group sessions but I wouldn't agree to perform in a group where my voice was the only X-part. I've never performed songs in other religious traditions but I've certainly joined in with the singing, even in semi-religious settings (where that's considered an appropriate response).

I was somewhat shocked by what appeared to be a majority of commentors on a recent Captain Awkward post, about finding "your people" in rural settings, suggesting joining a local church even if one isn't religious in that denomination or at all.

[sonia]

That "just ignore the religious part of church" attitude boggles me too.

I've had people suggest I join a Unitarian church because it's not "really" Christian. Except it is. I remember a Unitarian minister telling me she's ecumenical - she just happens to do a lot of readings from the Bible because it's so culturally important. Uh huh.

[jesse_the_k]

Grrr. Grrr. Grrr. Definitely aggressions, of whatever size.

Definitely related to "rape culture" in the "don't piss on my head and tell me it's raining" sort of way.

Sympathy, empathy, also tea.

[sonia]

Thank you. Gratefully accepted! It feels surprising to be heard and validated around this.

I'm starting to see that there's a lot of microaggression around Portland's mostly homogeneous population. I've been buying into the subliminal message that if I don't fit in, it's my fault.

[tim]

I agree, often they aren't so "micro". But I think the phrase is a nice bit of social engineering because it sneaks in the idea that such comments are aggressive, while tempering it with "micro".

[sonia]

Agreed! Do you know who came up with it?

[laughingrat]

That's the thing, really. Not everyone can assimilate, and we should have the right to exist and be happy as much as the folks who can, surely.

[sonia]

nodnodnodnod Society sure doesn't think so, though.

[tim]

Apparently, a psychiatrist named Chester Pierce in the 1970s. Googling his name along with "microaggression" turns up some interesting stuff.

[sonia]

Thanks for the info. I could have searched! I didn't realize microaggression is mainstream enough to be in wikipedia.