But we can't tell who it is!

[sonia]

Someone at dancing yesterday had recently had their hair colored or permed or otherwise chemically modified, and left a trail of unpleasant chemicals throughout the room. I stayed for an hour because I had agreed to teach a few dances, but then left. Everyone knew why I was leaving. The leadership group had agreed to speak to people when this happened, but the most assertive person was away.

Because they can't tell who it is, they don't do anything at all. I have a couple of guesses, but I stayed away from my suspects rather than cozying up to see who it was.

Obviously someone violated our fragrance-free policy, whether through not paying enough attention or figuring they could get away with it. Which they did.

Any suggestions about how to handle this, for me and/or for the rest of the leadership group who are supposedly enforcing our fragrance-free policy? I find I don't have the energy for big dramatic announcements, or even to deal with the "Oh no it's not me!" denial.

Comments

[batdina]

from where I sit, it's not so difficult to say something along the lines of "This is a reminder to you all that we have people here who are sensitive to perfumes and that includes perfumed shampoos and soap. Please be aware of that when you come here."

But maybe I expect too much of people.

[sonia]

The problem is people who get their hair colored and are exuding chemicals for days afterward. They don't even think about it. Even if they do, I bet they think they should get to come dancing anyway.

Maybe they should, who knows. Maybe I should just give it up. I'm exhausted enough to think so. I do a lot to keep the group together, but maybe it's just not working.

[batdina]

yes. I know all about those hair-dyes and the smell that accompanies them. I have chosen mostly to withdraw from a world that doesn't expressly make room for me and my MCS. But everyone has to go grocery shopping, or see the doctor, etc. and you're right: most people do not notice and I stand there with my jaw hanging open that the thing that is poisoning me doesn't even register to others.

A related anecdote: my hair is long enough that if it gets longer it'll be heading for my knees. It's a pain to take care of, etc. when people suggest I get it cut short, my answer is "Nope. If it's short, I have to get someone else to cut if for me, and that's toxic. If it's long, I can trim it myself in my bathroom after a shower." Everything I do is predicated on keeping my lungs and brain safe from other people's chemistry, even getting my hair cut.

I'm trying out a new shampoo now that I really like and for the first time in years my forehead is not broken out in hives for the first half of the day.

Anyway, long winded, but I have to confess that your willingness to go places and do things is inspiring. These days I save all of my "real world" energy for plane flights and the occasional live music venue. Then again, I also wear a carbon filter mask almost everywhere I go ...

Don't lose dancing if it matters to you. I suppose if I have anything constructive to say it's that: if it brings you pleasure, do everything you can to continue doing it.

I finished my last class for Rabbinical school last night. A few small papers, and one large paper (thesis-equivalent) and I'll be all done. I consider all of these things you and I talk about every time I think about what I want my Rabbinate to look like. Will be testing a theory tomorrow night for Shavuot by attending at least a portion of the overnight study sessions. If I can manage an hour and ten in company, I have an answer about whether I can manage public teaching again. Here's hoping.

[sonia]

Congratulations on finishing your Rabbinical school classes!! That's huge. Best wishes for the study session.

Sounds like you're doing plenty of "real world" stuff too. (Where do you get your carbon filter masks? What brand are they?)

Thank you for saying what I do is inspiring. Mostly I feel small and ridiculous and overwhelmed and invisible. I feel like I'm suffocating under people's indifference.

Yeah me too with the long hair. I've been washing mine in diluted baking soda and then rinsing with diluted apple cider vinegar. What brand of shampoo is working for you? (Perfect icon, too.)

The thing with dancing is that I only enjoy it when there aren't any chemicals. So it all starts to seem like too much work after a while.

It's good to chat with you - thanks for writing! I look forward to hearing about your Rabbinate and I'm sure it will be a lovely safe space.

[laughingrat]

Oh god, that sounds so exhausting. I'm sorry.

[sonia]

Yes, it sure is. Thanks for the sympathy!

[trouble]

Exhausting is exactly the word for it. I'm so sorry this keeps happening to you. It makes me so sad/mad that you're considering giving up something you enjoy because your fellow participants are thoughtless. :( <3

[sonia]

Thank you for caring. I appreciate it! Last night the chemical-y person wasn't there, and I actually had a good time. Amazing how that works.