Without judgment or fanfare

[sonia]

I used to struggle a lot with people being defensive and not hearing me. Somewhere along the way I made contact with my feelings of anxiety and fear, and noticed, without judgment or fanfare, my own defensiveness. I could say out loud, "I'm feeling defensive about that." Now, when I notice someone else being defensive, I might feel wry or annoyed or frustrated, but it doesn't feel like a huge ongoing battle the way it once did. I've been there. I'll be there again.

I've also struggled a lot with people being controlling. Recently I made contact with my feelings of frustration around not being able to control a lot of aspects of my life and noticed, without judgment, that I'm being controlling about that. It's like an eye opening soundlessly. Oh, that's what it's like to be controlling from the inside. Perhaps I'll gain some ease around other people's attempts to control me.

In the past when I've noticed repeating patterns in my struggles, I've looked for that characteristic in myself the way I look for dandelions hiding in the lawn, digging tool at the ready. This is different. Kinder. Calmer. More like I'd look at some bush in the back corner that has been there all along, but I hadn't noticed it in a while.

Comments

[jesse_the_k]

Fascinating. Since I share those characteristics, you've provided me with a new pair of glasses. Thanks!

[sonia]

Heh, your icon!

Glad this was helpful. I'll be interested to hear anything you feel like sharing about what you see through the new specs.

[firecat]

You are wise.

[sonia]

Thanks, but I dunno about that. Getting wiser, maybe. It's something that happened along the way, from the inside, not something I could make happen because I wanted it to. (I sure tried!)

[laughingrat]

*nods* Pretty cool. I had a recent moment like this re: a co-worker at one job who seems to have made me the symbol of all that holds her career back (which is a larf, as I have no career myself :-P), and that had obvious connections to some of the feelings I've projected onto a young, upwardly-mobile male co-worker at a different job. Reminded me to be careful not to quit seeing him as a person, albeit sometimes a really frustrating one. ;)

[sonia]

Interesting! It sounds uncomfortable from both directions. Makes me wonder if seeing it from both sides gives you more options as the person "in power" in the first situation.

I do have situations where I've been on both sides and I still don't know how to make any of it better, for myself or anyone else. It just ties me in extra empathy-related knots.

[laughingrat]

Same here, yeah. First situation is weird because I really don't have power, both our careers are stalled because neither of us is what the Administration wants, but I'm younger and brash and, well, she's frustrated and I seem like part of the new guard. I can feel for her, on some level. Funny you mention empathy-related knots...it does make it more complicated, but for me, it also loosens some of the emotional knots. I feel freer, somehow.

[sonia]

Yay for loosening knots and feeling freer!