National Coming Out Day

[sonia]

I am bisexual. I am in a heterosexual relationship for the first time in 16 years. Neither of us performs our gender in socially approved ways. I don't shave my legs or wear makeup or hide my competence. He doesn't dominate conversations when he is the only man present, nor try to dominate me in other ways.

I've been thinking about tim's recent post Allyship, empathy, and etiquette.

If you are a person experiencing conditional heterosexual privilege at any given moment, what I expect you to do in order to be an ally is to quietly reflect along these lines: "Hmm, am I in a space where it's safe for queer people to make out? Because if I am, then great, I'm going to make out with my partner with reckless abandon. But if I'm not, then I'm not going to do that, because I don't wish to take advantage of my heterosexual privilege. If queer people would get hurt for doing it, I don't want to be the one who's doing it all the while knowing that my queer friends in the same room can't do the same."

It's definitely not something I thought about when I was last in a heterosexual relationship. Then again, I have spent very little time in spaces where it was not safe for queer people to make out. Also my new love and I are pretty shy, and have access to private space, so we're not likely to make out in public. Holding hands, though...

There have been times when I was newly single, and it made me ache to see others holding hands. And yet, I didn't want them to stop. I didn't want to subtract from the amount of love and well-being and touch in the world. I'm not sure I agree that refraining from holding hands in a heterosexual couple makes it safer or better for queer folks. It might depend on the specific environment and the specific queer folks.

It makes me think of my quiet, hopeless battle to remind people around Christmas time that not everyone is Christian. It does help when people say "Season's Greetings" to me instead, but I wouldn't expect two known Christians to avoid "Merry Christmas!" with each other.

I'll keep thinking about Tim's definition of allyship. It's a new angle for me.

Comments

(frozen)

[tim]

So do you still think that Black people can be racist against white people, or did you change your mind on that one?

(frozen)

[sonia]

Okay, I think everyone's point has been made here. Topics of allyship and intersectionality are still open on this post. Topic of past responses to call-outs/call-ins is closed here. (And can be opened elseweb as you wish, of course.)