National Coming Out Day

[sonia]

I am bisexual. I am in a heterosexual relationship for the first time in 16 years. Neither of us performs our gender in socially approved ways. I don't shave my legs or wear makeup or hide my competence. He doesn't dominate conversations when he is the only man present, nor try to dominate me in other ways.

I've been thinking about tim's recent post Allyship, empathy, and etiquette.

If you are a person experiencing conditional heterosexual privilege at any given moment, what I expect you to do in order to be an ally is to quietly reflect along these lines: "Hmm, am I in a space where it's safe for queer people to make out? Because if I am, then great, I'm going to make out with my partner with reckless abandon. But if I'm not, then I'm not going to do that, because I don't wish to take advantage of my heterosexual privilege. If queer people would get hurt for doing it, I don't want to be the one who's doing it all the while knowing that my queer friends in the same room can't do the same."

It's definitely not something I thought about when I was last in a heterosexual relationship. Then again, I have spent very little time in spaces where it was not safe for queer people to make out. Also my new love and I are pretty shy, and have access to private space, so we're not likely to make out in public. Holding hands, though...

There have been times when I was newly single, and it made me ache to see others holding hands. And yet, I didn't want them to stop. I didn't want to subtract from the amount of love and well-being and touch in the world. I'm not sure I agree that refraining from holding hands in a heterosexual couple makes it safer or better for queer folks. It might depend on the specific environment and the specific queer folks.

It makes me think of my quiet, hopeless battle to remind people around Christmas time that not everyone is Christian. It does help when people say "Season's Greetings" to me instead, but I wouldn't expect two known Christians to avoid "Merry Christmas!" with each other.

I'll keep thinking about Tim's definition of allyship. It's a new angle for me.

Comments

[azurelunatic]

After contemplating on this for some time, I think I see the seeds of three essays in this single one, and I think they would all be interesting -- separately.

One of them is "Dear Heterosexuals: when you say 'but what if that couple that appears to be opposite-sex is actually queer' in response to an 'ARGH HETEROSEXUALS' this is the opposite of helpful." With appropriate care taken around non-binary gendered folks and bisexual folks. One of the things going around Tumblr that I found enlightening on a similar topic -- I'm white. My ~goddaughter is Asian. When my goddaughter says "Fucking white people!" to her friend, or to me, the fact that I'm trusted to hear this says that I'm probably not currently displaying the problematic White People behaviors that she's upset about. Making it about "not all white people" or "but what if they weren't actually white" is super unhelpful derailing and probably rooted in my discomfort around race issues, when I should be listening and offering support. The essay on Tumblr mentioned that generalizing to "white people" (or whatever) can be helpful, when the root of the pain in the moment is something like "my white teacher, who I had trusted, just said something really racist and hurtful and I'm feeling betrayed" -- which is really more up-close and personal than maybe someone wants to face in the moment.

One of them is "If you're heterosexual, you are a guest in queer spaces such as Pride." And there are a lot of interesting things to be said about the difference between showing up in a queer space as an ally (amplifying marginalized voices, being present in support, making room for spaces that don't include you) and showing up as a tourist and trying to make the space All About You.

And the final one is "There are many subtle signals that queerfolks use to judge the safety of any given space; this is one of mine, and that is: spaces where apparent M/F couples over a certain age feel it's appropriate to get to base 2.5 and it's not explicitly queer-friendly are KIND OF NOT SAFE."


The collision of the second two themes also reached unfortunate conclusions in my brainspace.

[sonia]

Thanks for this analysis! Makes sense. I still have Thoughts about that third one, but you're right, separating out the other two does help.

(Current Thoughts - I kinda don't like being around couples getting to base 2.5 generally. Not sure it has anything do to with queerness for me, but more with boundaries and respect around sexual energy.)