sonia: Quilted wall-hanging (Default)
[personal profile] sonia
Why Does Dating Men Make Me Feel Like Shit? by Emma Lindsay
Usually instead of saying “I am turned on by that woman,” a man will say “that woman is hot.” The first phrasing places the locus of control within his own body (aka, in a way, making it “his fault” if he gets turned on), the second phrasing places the locus of control within the woman’s body (making it “her fault” if he gets turned on.)


This article explains rape culture. Men locate control of their sexual feelings in women instead of themselves because they feel ashamed. Wow. I've noticed the shame, but never understood it this clearly.

Date: 2017-02-23 04:11 pm (UTC)
tylik: (Default)
From: [personal profile] tylik
This is the reply I wrote to someone else on the same article:

"I see this as being a lot broader than just about sexuality and body image, even though these are the things discussed here. When I date men (and so much more in Ohio) I become a dumping ground for their masculine insecurities. ...we mostly haven't gotten to the ones around sex, because of the other ones, but I think they're of a type.

The last couple of dates and many, many of the online discussions that I *plonked* before they turned into dates have revolved around

a) How insecure they were about dating a martial arts instructor, and what alternate reality we would have to be in before they could beat me up, tee hee! (Seriously, this has come up so many times, I can't even. Why isn't it obvious to everyone that bringing up beating me up like that is a rule out? ...though being in a position to be a viable sparring partner is a huge bonus.)

b) How insecure they are about my... interesting profession? I mean, it's not like I'm wildly successful or anything. I was a techie, I did fairly well, I decided to go into research. I did biochemistry for a while now I'm finishing up a doctorate in neurobio - which is kind of awesome, but that also means I'm a *graduate student*. One guy actually gave me a speech about how if he had all my advantages he would have done better than I did in tech in the nineties. (I'm all - well maybe, but you do mean "A chinese degree, memories of programming in fortran, and having been thrown out of your family," right? 'cause you don't get my brain.)

Not that I don't recall previous discussions of the relative merits of my body, but... it seems all of a piece. Somehow, women are expected to bear the weight of their performative masculinity on their shoulders. Some of it's about sexuality. Some if it's about other things. I'm mostly getting the other things because I'm shedding them before we get near bed. (Though there's been some "Would you have a threesome with me and " "No! I've already told you I'm not attracted to you, and I'm generically not attracted to straight women, and this is really disrespectful.""

Date: 2017-02-23 11:47 pm (UTC)
jesse_the_k: Finding Nemo's Dory, the adventurous fish with a brain injury (dain bramage)
From: [personal profile] jesse_the_k
That's a marvelously lucid example, thanks.

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Sonia Connolly

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