Social Justice as a triggering topic

[sonia]

Chatting with a friend, I mentioned my recent epiphany about sexism. She said, "You're choosing to rendezvous with those experiences." I said, "No! That doesn't work for me!" Didn't raise my voice, but was emphatic.

She got very quiet and said I was silencing her and I was jumping on her every time she opened her mouth and she just didn't know what I wanted from her. I kept asking questions and finally I said, "It seems like something I said was triggering for you." She thought about that and said in the past friends have accused her of not caring about the world if she isn't fighting for social justice. She then noticed that I wasn't doing that and in fact I had been speaking about my own experience.

So we unraveled the conflict and ended on a good note, but it was educational to watch the conversation go completely pear-shaped just because I mentioned that it helps me to notice and name institutional sexism. This discrimination stuff is pernicious!

Comments

[jesse_the_k]

Wow. That is fascinating.

And also perhaps why it's so hard to unwind these pernicious influences. The level of attention you are paying to your own and others' feelings is excellent and skilled and not easy to replicate.

(When we had house meetings in our 40-person housing coop, we'd have two chairs: one to watch process and the other to watch content. I wish that was ubiquitous.)

[sonia]

Thanks for the acknowledgment. I'm just glad all that attention was enough to salvage the conversation. The two-chair plan sounds like a good one.

Looking back, it wasn't mentioning sexism that really caused trouble - it was refusing to take the blame for encountering it. Yes, fascinating.

[trinker]

we'd have two chairs: one to watch process and the other to watch content.


O.O !!! Brilliant. Why have I never heard of that before? I am going to suggest it to convention panels from here on out.

[laughingrat]

I thought you handled this really well. It's terribly difficult to be accused of silencing someone (or being intolerant, or whatever) when what you're doing is standing up for yourself, or saying what is or isn't true for you. That's always rough for me, anyway.

[sonia]

Thank you. It was definitely painful, even though it was crystal clear that she was reacting to way more than my words.

It's nice to know that my life has gotten drama-free enough that I watched her be all dramatic and thought, "Huh?" rather than "Oh no, I have to fix it!" Drama-free has been a big goal for a long time.

[laughingrat]

A-freakin'-men!

[trinker]

Hee. My shampoo says "Drama Clean" on it. I smile every time I use it.

I'm glad you found my journal. Will include you in the next round of filter revision.

[sonia]

"Drama Clean" shampoo would make me smile, too. I suppose I could stick a label on my baking soda container, which is what I'm using these days.

Thanks, looking forward to being on your filters. I've enjoyed the public posts I've seen.