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Boundaries
Jun. 11th, 2012 10:25 amJim C. Hines on Boundaries:
The comments are worth reading too. Lots of people chiming in wearily on the social consequences of having clear boundaries. Nice to know I'm not the only one.
A couple of people saying (paraphrased), "I have a strong personality and it's your responsibility to make me aware of your boundaries. If you're not clear enough, it's not my fault." I get a queasy feeling when I read those. I used to hang out with people where "clear enough" was an ever-moving unreachable bar.
I've been thinking about a related double bind, where we're supposed to avoid being victimized by setting clear boundaries, and we're also supposed to be able to get along with all kinds of people. I'm having trouble getting along with people who don't respect my boundaries. Unfortunately, they abound. Some of them are selling things I need, and some of them are refusing to send money they owe me.
How often do we teach people that they have the right to take care of themselves? Why don’t we teach that it’s okay to set boundaries? And why the hell don’t we teach people to respect them? [...]
You have the right to say no, period. And if someone can’t accept that, then the hell with them. The problem isn’t you.
The comments are worth reading too. Lots of people chiming in wearily on the social consequences of having clear boundaries. Nice to know I'm not the only one.
A couple of people saying (paraphrased), "I have a strong personality and it's your responsibility to make me aware of your boundaries. If you're not clear enough, it's not my fault." I get a queasy feeling when I read those. I used to hang out with people where "clear enough" was an ever-moving unreachable bar.
I've been thinking about a related double bind, where we're supposed to avoid being victimized by setting clear boundaries, and we're also supposed to be able to get along with all kinds of people. I'm having trouble getting along with people who don't respect my boundaries. Unfortunately, they abound. Some of them are selling things I need, and some of them are refusing to send money they owe me.
