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Working through anger
Nov. 2nd, 2025 06:03 pmA friend responded to me with uncharacteristic and intense anger a couple of days ago and I don't know why (yet). While I'm waiting on more information, I've been thinking about other times I've faced intense anger.
I don't remember many. One time, I was exhausted and needed to leave, and a friend said if I left, the friendship was over. I thought we would work it out after getting a chance to rest, but despite several attempts, he stuck to the friendship being over.
Another time, a friend was angry that I couldn't continue in a painful situation. Despite attempts to talk about it, that friendship eventually ended too.
I remember being angry as romantic relationships deteriorated, but I don't remember partners communicating anger and working it through. Or responding well to my attempts to communicate anger and work it through. Which is why I'm not in any of those relationships anymore.
I have a felt sense of quicksand in relationships (of any sort). Like, "oops, this ground has gotten treacherous, time to back up." Looking back, I think that's been when people are angry. But they don't say, "I'm angry at you for X and want things to be different going forward." They emotionally withdraw, and eventually cut things off. Sometimes it's been when I felt safe enough to express a boundary of my own, and found out that wasn't safe after all.
I suppose the most... not positive, exactly, but open experiences of anger were as a bodywork practitioner. If a client got angry, I held space and listened and responded as best I could. But that's a different dynamic than relationships out in the world. I do have the basic tools of active listening and trying to stay grounded.
I'm not feeling super hopeful about the current situation. Do you have stories or resources about successfully working through anger?
ETA: I wrote a short apologetic, puzzled email and got back that it's all good, just an intense and exhausting week. Whew. I mean, I got blasted with *something*, but good to know it wasn't about me and therefore no longer my problem.
I don't remember many. One time, I was exhausted and needed to leave, and a friend said if I left, the friendship was over. I thought we would work it out after getting a chance to rest, but despite several attempts, he stuck to the friendship being over.
Another time, a friend was angry that I couldn't continue in a painful situation. Despite attempts to talk about it, that friendship eventually ended too.
I remember being angry as romantic relationships deteriorated, but I don't remember partners communicating anger and working it through. Or responding well to my attempts to communicate anger and work it through. Which is why I'm not in any of those relationships anymore.
I have a felt sense of quicksand in relationships (of any sort). Like, "oops, this ground has gotten treacherous, time to back up." Looking back, I think that's been when people are angry. But they don't say, "I'm angry at you for X and want things to be different going forward." They emotionally withdraw, and eventually cut things off. Sometimes it's been when I felt safe enough to express a boundary of my own, and found out that wasn't safe after all.
I suppose the most... not positive, exactly, but open experiences of anger were as a bodywork practitioner. If a client got angry, I held space and listened and responded as best I could. But that's a different dynamic than relationships out in the world. I do have the basic tools of active listening and trying to stay grounded.
I'm not feeling super hopeful about the current situation. Do you have stories or resources about successfully working through anger?
ETA: I wrote a short apologetic, puzzled email and got back that it's all good, just an intense and exhausting week. Whew. I mean, I got blasted with *something*, but good to know it wasn't about me and therefore no longer my problem.
