Rant regarding important holidays during a pandemic, and links

[sonia]

jadelennox posted wise, kind words in zoom gali gali. I highly recommend checking it out! (Also I looked up the song zum gali gali in case you're curious too.)

For those of you who have not done remote holidaying yet this year, there's a lot of great resources about what works -- and what doesn't! -- that you can get from those of us who have already remoted so many holidays. I don't usually feel well positioned to have good how-to-pandemic tips because my household is comfortably large and because I don't have kids, but when it comes to holidays I'm in the same position as many other solitary people, as the only Jew in my home.

Also, I have a(nother) rant on this topic.

My parents immigrated to the US as adults and never really adopted Thanksgiving. Sometimes we had people over, and sometimes we had a turkey, but it wasn't a Big Holiday Deal.

It definitely wasn't a Big Family Deal, because we didn't have any of those. We lived in Northern Virginia. Closest relatives were in Texas, and the rest were spread across Europe, Israel, and Australia. My family tree was scattered and pruned by the Holocaust. My parents' generation and my generation grew up without extended family nearby.

As a more cheerful aside, it recently took nearly 6 weeks to get a package I ordered from Etsy. Turns out Germany is sending a lot of packages by ship! No wonder waiting for it was reminding me of the care packages of yummy chocolate and treats we used to get from my grandparents (who returned to Germany) when I was a kid! (I do recommend PixieColdArt for lovely, high-quality graphics if you're not in a hurry. Or if you're closer to Germany.)

Anyway. I did develop strong Thanksgiving traditions later, and then those went away, which hurt a lot, as I mentioned before. And I'm on the West Coast and don't talk to my parents at all.

So I'm not coming from your "typical" been-here-for-generations scenario. But my scenario isn't that unusual either. And, as jadelennox explains at length, lots of people have gotten through lots of important holidays during this pandemic already, without insisting on endangering their nearest and dearest as well as any innocent bystanders they may infect later.

I just. It's reminding me of being an abused kid. People don't see it, because it's inconvenient and hard to deal with. People don't fully believe me as an adult, same reason. Heck, I maintain a bit of internal doubt myself, because I don't have PROOF, and memories and bodies are unreliable, amirite.

Another relevant difference in my situation is that I've had to bow out of lots of social engagements for years because people wear scented products, so I feel terrible during and after. I ate at a restaurant maybe once or twice a year, and usually felt terrible after, because it's really hard to get gluten-free, nightshade-free food. I happen to really like Thai food, so I put up with the migraine occasionally.

So, while I'm sympathetic to people for not being able to go out, etc., I already know it's survivable. And, I have a lot of lived experience with air currents and how scents will permeate a space. Presumably viruses would move around in similar ways, not stay neatly within 6 feet of someone's face.

Which brings us around to the people not from the same household/bubble dancing in an enclosed space without masks. On a zoom event I organized. I have such a strong NO reaction to that. Like, if you don't care about other people, please don't rub my nose in it by demonstrating it on video in front of me. There are lots of other zoom dance events. It turns out, my intuition that it's dangerous is supported by data. If you have to do it, wear a damn mask.

The reason this is still coming up is that other members of that dance group are still giving me a hard time for "publicly shaming" the people (i.e. saying "you know how I feel about this"), instead of supporting my position, or at least staying out of it. I suspect they have an eye to dancing together sooner rather than later and just prefer to believe it's not dangerous.

Which, to be honest, makes me want to have nothing further to do with them even when we do have a vaccine, even though they used to be my main community. The community feeling was already eroding over time. I know we're all raw with grief and stress, and maybe I'll feel differently later, but this is how I feel right now. I want to be around people who care. And even if they don't care in general, I want them to respect me and what I think enough to wear a damn mask on camera.

I'm not taking drastic steps to disconnect now, but I did take a couple of steps back by having them get their own zoom account rather than using mine, and arranging for someone else to help the person who's hassling me. "We all need to stay connected," my ass. Wrong thing to say to try to silence the person who organized the whole weekly zoom event in the first place and supported everyone as they were figuring it out.


Okay, as a chaser, have you seen this entertaining, cuss-filled video? Samuel L. Johnson reads "Stay the F*ck at Home, a takeoff on an earlier reading of a book for weary parents, "Go the F*ck to Sleep."

Comments

[minoanmiss]

It's reminding me of being an abused kid. People don't see it, because it's inconvenient and hard to deal with.

Oh my friend. I know what you mean. When I was a kid my same father who ran the church Sunday School beat me with his belt regularly. (My mother favored a wider range of implements.) So I'd go to Sunday school with bruises under my nice dress, and the other kids would tell me they wished my father was their dad, and the adults would tell me how lucky I was to have such a godly man for a father, and my bruises would throb under my dress and behind my smile.

Which, to be honest, makes me want to have nothing further to do with them even when we do have a vaccine, even though they used to be my main community.

There are times when one looks at a community and realizes one has separated from them, that one can't stay where they've chosen to be. A community I was in for over a decade broke in half over a rape, and I could not stay in a place where a rape victim was publicly disbelieved and all the old stereotypes trotted out to protect a classic Missing Stair, just like you can't stay in a place where people choose to not only disbelieve science but to shame you publicly for pointing out what the truth is.

I hear you. So very much. I send you so many hugs from a small soft woman.

[sonia]

Augh, I'm so sorry about your bruises and the forced smile. Thank you for sharing that. And hearing me.

And thank you for not telling me I'm overreacting about leaving the community. That gives me some relief. I think this is a hard line for me. They may yet cross to the correct side of it, and I'm willing to give people time, but not indefinite amounts. I'm sorry to hear about your community breaking over a rape, too. That sounds unpleasant for all concerned, except the Missing Stair & defenders. :-(

Hugs gratefully accepted and returned. (From a somewhat small, somewhat soft woman, only right now I feel all pointy elbows and snarly teeth.)

[minoanmiss]

I had to tell you. I'm sorry you're in this shitty club too. wry smile If I had to go through all that at least I can reach out to other survivors, especially nifty people who have fallen into my life.

And you are TOTALLY not overreacting. I had to make sure I told you that too. Your snarliness is absolutely justified -- they chose stupidly and doubled down on it by going sfter you for not remaining silent. I really hope they regain their good sense in time to not lose you.

big hugs

[sonia]

Your empathy feels like water to a thirsty plant. Thank you.

ETA: And thanks for the postcards! I hope you got my DM about that.

[minoanmiss]

I did! I have been hugging it before rplying :)

[runpunkrun]

Your mention of zum gali gali knocked something loose in my brain. I know it, but I've no idea from where! I found a video on YouTube to see if I had the right tune, and now it's stuck in my head, but in a cheerful way. Brains, man.

[sonia]

I think I've heard it sung at a seder? I also had a memory of a tune pop up, and had to look it up to confirm. It seems to be a popular choice on kids youtube. Glad it was a cheerful earworm!

[adrian_turtle]

We had a few generations of relatively easy travel, with widely dispersed families being able to get together for holidays. Like so much of the future, it was unevenly distributed, and now it's coming unraveled. At least we still have easy communication. (And phone calls are effectively free! I'm old enough to remember, "let me call you back so you don't have to pay for this, I just got a cell phone and it has
long distance.")

I really feel you on the scented products. I found my synagogue 22 years ago because of their non-scent policy. (I like the egalitarian liturgy and lack of hierarchy, but "Please do not wear perfume, cologne, or aftershave." made me feel safe.) The last 8 months of online activities have helped some people feel more included, because distance or disability kept them from joining us in person. And at the same time, other members of the community are being squeezed out because they have *different* disabilities or needs. (Moving pictures tend to make me motion sick, for instance. And most zoom backgrounds are migraine triggers.) It's not anyone's fault, but it's sad.

[sonia]

Your synagogue sounds wonderful! Scent-free 22 years ago is amazing. (Maybe my sense that things have been getting better in that department is illusory.) Egalitarian liturgy also sounds like a big draw. Bummer that connecting by zoom doesn't work well for you.

Yeah, I remember when long distance calls were expensive, especially international ones. Good point about the future being unevenly distributed. I've done some traveling, but had pretty much stopped the last few years because of the fragrance and food issues. To me traveling these days seems interrupted, rather than unraveled, especially given how much people are still! traveling! in a pandemic!

[adrian_turtle]

22 years ago, scent-free spaces were very, VERY, unusual. That's why I was so amazed to find it, and stayed there even though the Hebrew was kind of intimidating. I didn't know Hebrew, I had just knew what it sounded like for singing. Theologically, I was fine with feminine images of the divine, but feminine grammar threw me.

I think we haven't adjusted to how air travel has changed since 9/11. When it became less flexible, more expensive, more dangerous (not a danger of terrorism, but a danger of being detained by the TSA.) But it used to be no big deal to go from Boston to Chicago for Thanksgiving! Why can't we do it now? As the price creeps up, and the delays creep up, and the "you really shouldn't, because of the environment" creeps up.

So I wonder if this year will change things.

[sonia]

Oh yeah, the 9/11 changes. I wasn't thinking about the time a year or so later when a TSA employee yelled at me for forgetting to empty a water bottle and I thought, not doing this anymore. It's security theater anyway, but there's seriously no need to yell at people.

Interesting thought that the pandemic might be a tipping point for air travel on top of all that. We shall see... I'm kind of evenly divided between, "The world is ending!!!!11!eleventy! Everything will be different!" and "Everyone will pretend absolutely nothing happened." (Almost everyone.)

[adrian_turtle]

Which brings us around to the people not from the same household dancing in an enclosed space without masks. On a zoom event I organized. I have such a strong NO reaction to that. Like, if you don't care about other people, please don't rub my nose in it by demonstrating it on video in front of me. There are lots of other zoom dance events. It turns out, my intuition that it's dangerous is supported by data. If you have to do it, wear a damn mask.

This is a really hard one. I feel like my decision to forgo masks with my girlfriend and her husband isn't something I do "at" anyone, even though we aren't keeping it secret. (It feels oddly like being out about being poly.*) I saw 2 unmasked couples zoom in to RH services from the same living room and didn't know if they were ignoring safety precautions or if they had moved in together, or if they had some kind of 2-building-1-household arrangement. I didn't ask, because I didn't want to get into awkward details they had surely negotiated over the summer and did not need to negotiate with me because they weren't breathing on me.

[sonia]

I'm using "not from the same household" as a short-hand for "not in the same bubble."

[adrian_turtle]

Ah. I sympathize with the general difficulty, though I was thinking of somethingn else.