Rant regarding important holidays during a pandemic, and links

[sonia]

jadelennox posted wise, kind words in zoom gali gali. I highly recommend checking it out! (Also I looked up the song zum gali gali in case you're curious too.)

For those of you who have not done remote holidaying yet this year, there's a lot of great resources about what works -- and what doesn't! -- that you can get from those of us who have already remoted so many holidays. I don't usually feel well positioned to have good how-to-pandemic tips because my household is comfortably large and because I don't have kids, but when it comes to holidays I'm in the same position as many other solitary people, as the only Jew in my home.

Also, I have a(nother) rant on this topic.

My parents immigrated to the US as adults and never really adopted Thanksgiving. Sometimes we had people over, and sometimes we had a turkey, but it wasn't a Big Holiday Deal.

It definitely wasn't a Big Family Deal, because we didn't have any of those. We lived in Northern Virginia. Closest relatives were in Texas, and the rest were spread across Europe, Israel, and Australia. My family tree was scattered and pruned by the Holocaust. My parents' generation and my generation grew up without extended family nearby.

As a more cheerful aside, it recently took nearly 6 weeks to get a package I ordered from Etsy. Turns out Germany is sending a lot of packages by ship! No wonder waiting for it was reminding me of the care packages of yummy chocolate and treats we used to get from my grandparents (who returned to Germany) when I was a kid! (I do recommend PixieColdArt for lovely, high-quality graphics if you're not in a hurry. Or if you're closer to Germany.)

Anyway. I did develop strong Thanksgiving traditions later, and then those went away, which hurt a lot, as I mentioned before. And I'm on the West Coast and don't talk to my parents at all.

So I'm not coming from your "typical" been-here-for-generations scenario. But my scenario isn't that unusual either. And, as jadelennox explains at length, lots of people have gotten through lots of important holidays during this pandemic already, without insisting on endangering their nearest and dearest as well as any innocent bystanders they may infect later.

I just. It's reminding me of being an abused kid. People don't see it, because it's inconvenient and hard to deal with. People don't fully believe me as an adult, same reason. Heck, I maintain a bit of internal doubt myself, because I don't have PROOF, and memories and bodies are unreliable, amirite.

Another relevant difference in my situation is that I've had to bow out of lots of social engagements for years because people wear scented products, so I feel terrible during and after. I ate at a restaurant maybe once or twice a year, and usually felt terrible after, because it's really hard to get gluten-free, nightshade-free food. I happen to really like Thai food, so I put up with the migraine occasionally.

So, while I'm sympathetic to people for not being able to go out, etc., I already know it's survivable. And, I have a lot of lived experience with air currents and how scents will permeate a space. Presumably viruses would move around in similar ways, not stay neatly within 6 feet of someone's face.

Which brings us around to the people not from the same household/bubble dancing in an enclosed space without masks. On a zoom event I organized. I have such a strong NO reaction to that. Like, if you don't care about other people, please don't rub my nose in it by demonstrating it on video in front of me. There are lots of other zoom dance events. It turns out, my intuition that it's dangerous is supported by data. If you have to do it, wear a damn mask.

The reason this is still coming up is that other members of that dance group are still giving me a hard time for "publicly shaming" the people (i.e. saying "you know how I feel about this"), instead of supporting my position, or at least staying out of it. I suspect they have an eye to dancing together sooner rather than later and just prefer to believe it's not dangerous.

Which, to be honest, makes me want to have nothing further to do with them even when we do have a vaccine, even though they used to be my main community. The community feeling was already eroding over time. I know we're all raw with grief and stress, and maybe I'll feel differently later, but this is how I feel right now. I want to be around people who care. And even if they don't care in general, I want them to respect me and what I think enough to wear a damn mask on camera.

I'm not taking drastic steps to disconnect now, but I did take a couple of steps back by having them get their own zoom account rather than using mine, and arranging for someone else to help the person who's hassling me. "We all need to stay connected," my ass. Wrong thing to say to try to silence the person who organized the whole weekly zoom event in the first place and supported everyone as they were figuring it out.


Okay, as a chaser, have you seen this entertaining, cuss-filled video? Samuel L. Johnson reads "Stay the F*ck at Home, a takeoff on an earlier reading of a book for weary parents, "Go the F*ck to Sleep."

Comments

[minoanmiss]

It's reminding me of being an abused kid. People don't see it, because it's inconvenient and hard to deal with.

Oh my friend. I know what you mean. When I was a kid my same father who ran the church Sunday School beat me with his belt regularly. (My mother favored a wider range of implements.) So I'd go to Sunday school with bruises under my nice dress, and the other kids would tell me they wished my father was their dad, and the adults would tell me how lucky I was to have such a godly man for a father, and my bruises would throb under my dress and behind my smile.

Which, to be honest, makes me want to have nothing further to do with them even when we do have a vaccine, even though they used to be my main community.

There are times when one looks at a community and realizes one has separated from them, that one can't stay where they've chosen to be. A community I was in for over a decade broke in half over a rape, and I could not stay in a place where a rape victim was publicly disbelieved and all the old stereotypes trotted out to protect a classic Missing Stair, just like you can't stay in a place where people choose to not only disbelieve science but to shame you publicly for pointing out what the truth is.

I hear you. So very much. I send you so many hugs from a small soft woman.

[sonia]

Augh, I'm so sorry about your bruises and the forced smile. Thank you for sharing that. And hearing me.

And thank you for not telling me I'm overreacting about leaving the community. That gives me some relief. I think this is a hard line for me. They may yet cross to the correct side of it, and I'm willing to give people time, but not indefinite amounts. I'm sorry to hear about your community breaking over a rape, too. That sounds unpleasant for all concerned, except the Missing Stair & defenders. :-(

Hugs gratefully accepted and returned. (From a somewhat small, somewhat soft woman, only right now I feel all pointy elbows and snarly teeth.)

[minoanmiss]

I had to tell you. I'm sorry you're in this shitty club too. wry smile If I had to go through all that at least I can reach out to other survivors, especially nifty people who have fallen into my life.

And you are TOTALLY not overreacting. I had to make sure I told you that too. Your snarliness is absolutely justified -- they chose stupidly and doubled down on it by going sfter you for not remaining silent. I really hope they regain their good sense in time to not lose you.

big hugs

[sonia]

Your empathy feels like water to a thirsty plant. Thank you.

ETA: And thanks for the postcards! I hope you got my DM about that.

[minoanmiss]

I did! I have been hugging it before rplying :)