sonia | Poem by Brenna Twohy

runpunkrun posted as part of a book review this poem by Brenna Twohy that stopped me in my tracks with the way each line unfolds a new world.

When I Say I Forgive You, Know This

I did not bury the hatchet.
I have the hatchet in my hands.
I am building myself a new house.

Someone recently accused me of holding a grudge, where I saw it as naming a pattern. I do believe in forgiveness, and I also believe in noticing if the same unpleasant thing happens again. Assuming people's forgiveness and forgetfulness can be an aspect of privilege.

It can also be an aspect of community. I have a clear "NO" inside that had me spend last weekend re-implementing this group's website on wordpress.com so they can edit it themselves if/when I bail out. I also wonder sadly if I'm missing interpersonal skills that would open more of a feeling of community to me.

That same source of "NO" says not here, not now. It's mysterious to feel so fully clear and questioning at the same time.

That act of building the website feels like part of building myself a new house. Or at least, building myself a door out of the old one.

I have also been wanting a literal new house lately. Smaller, warmer, in a place that's friendlier to me. I hope I'll build and find my way toward that, whether or not it turns out to be a literal change of houses.