Good parenting

[sonia]

Twitter thread by Tori Williams Douglass, ToriGlass.

hi your kids are supposed to lose their emotional regulation on *you*

you are their person, it’s literally your job to be a safe place for them to let their nervous system air out.

YOU aren’t emotionally regulated 100% of the time. stop demanding regulation of brand new people.

I’m not trying to be a jerk about this, new humans literally do not have the neural pathways necessary for self-regulation. that’s what adults are there for. humans evolved to *co-regulate*

(she says as someone who was “punished” [hit] for having emotions as a child)

it’s so cool to raise kids who do not spiral into sheer terror and some hysterical abandonment narrative if their mom is five minutes late because they have always had their emotional needs attended to.

if only i could inform my own nervous system of this fact.

Context:
update: someone who shall remain nameless plopped fresh raspberries on my brand new linen duvet and then our fire alarm went off for no discernible reason and wouldn’t stop

the fact that i managed these two things pretty well makes me hopeful that maybe i’ll survive? sounds fake

something that i noticed during the raspberry incident was that while i was visibly upset and disappointed, i’ve practiced asking myself enough times “what’s worth more, this ruined item or your relationship with your kid?” that i defaulted to that reaction.

which then got me thinking about how messed up it is that we yell at/punish kids for ruining our stuff. like their little nervous system is somehow worth less than my sheets?

i was kind of surprised by how fk’d up that reaction is, and we don’t even think about it

i don’t use punishment. ever. my child was immediately remorseful and apologized and then then tried to make me feel better by pointing out that maybe pink spots on linen might actually be cool.

to clarify, no punishment ≠ letting kids do whatever they want. nuance is hard

Comments

Oh my heart

[jesse_the_k]

This was entirely new to me, and made me weep.

(Yes, I guess my growing up was actually traumatic. Hmmmm.)

Thank you so much for sharing this. I will journey back in my heart to little me and let her know that she's not responsible for making her parents happy.

Re: Oh my heart

[sonia]

I'm so glad it touched you in a positive way and can lift a burden of unfair responsibility from little you.

I love the phrase "let their nervous system air out." I wish I had more co-regulation in my life. Outside my practice, that is. In my practice I think that's a lot of what's happening, nervous systems in communication.

Re: Oh my heart

[jesse_the_k]

yes, I suspect "co-regulation in practice" is how bodywork magic happens. But I imagine it's a bit tricky in a paid interaction?

I'm lucky to have some folks to co-regulate with, plus always my lovely Bella.

Re: Oh my heart

[sonia]

Yay for people and critters to co-regulate with!

In a less messed-up culture, everyone would have lots of easily available co-regulation, but given what we've got, it works for me to be available as a calmer nervous system for people to regulate with in paid interactions.