Proud around neurodivergence

[sonia]

Over the past year, I've gradually come to own that I'm neurodivergent. It's a small shift in perspective from "sensitive" and "detail oriented" and feeling slightly askew from society to, "oh, all those things fit under this one label."

I'm proud of making that shift in perspective. I'm not sure I can say I'm proud of neurodivergence itself. There's more of a flinchy sense of doing it wrong associated with it.

Lately, a couple of old friends have gently included me under the neurodivergent umbrella in conversation, as an aside of, "we both know this probably applies..." In a way it's a relief to be seen that way, as normal for my own frame of reference.

I have a cousin who is formally diagnosed as autistic. He lives in a special community where he receives the assistance he needs to be semi-independent as an adult. When I look around at the rest of my family, there sure are a lot of socially awkward geeks, possibly above and beyond the expected traits of Ashkenazi Jews.

I took an online diagnostic questionnaire for autism in women a few years ago, and didn't score high enough to make the cutoff. I hesitate to claim that more specific label, although I do wonder if I'm just really good at masking. It's hard to untangle what's innate from what's caused by trauma and head injuries.

It also makes me wonder if I was a difficult kid, which is a big shift from looking at my parents' inadequacies. Now that I'm writing this, though, I think I needed some help and accommodations I didn't get around socializing, and my parents didn't have those things to give. But overall I was a pretty good kid. silveradept has been writing about Twice Exceptional, and I think there was (is) some of that going on.

I feel like having Pride as a Word of the Year has opened the way for this shift. When I allow myself to own and be proud of my strengths, I can more clearly see the patterns behind them.

Comments

[house_wren]

Oh, I relate to this post very much. I agree: it's hard to untangle all these things.

I learned only a few years ago that I am autistic. The person who did my assessment said there was no question about it; the diagnosis was definite. I don't doubt it, but I am unsure how people perceive me.

When still in high school I made a decision to learn to be unlike my parents. I read everything I could about how to be a kind person and tried to put it into practice. Now I wonder if this is how I learned to mask my weirdness.

Ha. I say that, but did I mask it? I don't know. Still, I was able to avoid being like my parents: I don't drink or hit people or practice constant self-centeredness, etc.

I also have ADHD, which I resent more than cherish. It really interfered with my life and affected how I feel about myself. It brought a lot of judgment and criticism my way. The autism I like very much. It counteracts some of the disorder of ADHD.

As a child I was labeled as too emotional. Now I think some of my instability was that I was having autistic meltdowns in response to noise levels, lighting being too dark or too bright, etc. And, of course, also because it was an unhappy family.

[sonia]

It is all woven together, isn't it. I'm glad that you have a definite diagnosis, and that you like being autistic. I've been looking back at some possible autistic meltdowns too, although what I remember is that I wanted to be heard, and the meltdown was sheer frustration at the blank walls I was encountering.

Yay for not drinking or hitting people or practicing constant self-centeredness! I've worked at being unlike my parents in those ways too, and it's good to be reminded that that's a success, even if I'm not masking weirdness.

[house_wren]

haha - Not being heard still gives me the feeling I am going to have a meltdown! I hate it!

I try to stop wanting it. I distract myself from frustration by focusing on listening to myself. This sometimes works.

[sonia]

Hm, not just me hating not being heard, then. I'm sorry to hear about the ongoing frustrations. I agree, listening to myself helps, and it can still be hard.

[rosefox]

It's hard to untangle what's innate from what's caused by trauma and head injuries.

I see this come up a lot with queerness too; I've certainly wondered similar things about my own wiring. I think it's okay to claim the label that applies to you now, regardless of whether it's something that's always been true.

[sonia]

Thank you for that permission/invitation. I see what you mean about the parallel with queerness, although I think of identities and diagnoses as being in different buckets. I'll have to sit with the autism label and see how it feels over time.

[elainegrey]

I get the sense that those of us who have found coping strategies have a harder t time with questionnaires as we (i?) compare myself to myself without adaptations, and it's hard to not needing the adaptations.

I hope the identification of neurodivergence continues to be helpful

[sonia]

Thank you! I think you're right that having coping strategies makes diagnosis harder. Which does make me feel better about the shape my life has taken. I bet I'd be a lot more dysfunctional if I had a more "normal" life with less time to myself.

[silveradept]

Flinchiness about embracing a label is understandable, when you know there's likely to be negative consequences from doing so. It can help explain things, even if it didn't necessarily excuse them.

It's also hard, sometimes, to embrace a thing when you've worked so hard to build your compensating systems and think you might be within reach of Mount Normal, or the thought that you have succeeded despite rather than succeeded by embracing.

And it's extra hard when you also add trauma and injuries to the mix.

[sonia]

Thanks for the understanding. I've always known I wasn't normal and couldn't get there from here, but I thought it had more to do with having immigrant parents and a difficult childhood. It does take some pressure off to think that it's inborn as well.

[andrewducker]

Sometimes we just get good enough at coping with things that we don't register as needing help.

You may be interested in https://weirdpride.day/

[sonia]

Thanks for the link!