Links: Communication at work

[sonia]

Some excellent advice about communicating at work, or wherever you happen to need to get things done with people you didn't choose and don't necessarily like.

Comment from hildi at Ask A Manager (2013)

I think this just speaks to the point about how there are relationship-focused people and task-focused people. In my classes I give everyone the following passionate speech: “The relationship focused folks need to work on being less sensitive. If you know you’re dealing with a task focused individual and they say something that feels kind of rude, let it go. They are probably not focused on the relationship right now. They are focused on what’s important to them and that’s the task. They can work with you regardless of whether they like you or not.

“On the other hand, you task-focused folks: you need to understand that when you’re dealing with relationship focused people that it is critical for them that they don’t feel the relationship is in jeopardy when dealing with you. They mistake your “get to the point” with a blow to the relationship, you need to be aware of that and find a softer way to say the same thing. ”

Interview with an incredibly diplomatic person … or how to agreeably disagree at Ask a Manager. An interview with hildi, containing more great advice.

Clear is Kind, Unclear is Unkind by Brene Brown.

Feeding people half-truths or bullshit to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind.

Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind.

Talking about people rather than to them is unkind.

The SCARF model of social threat & reward, originally by David Rock.

[W]e have strong drives to seek out five key things: status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness and fairness.

Comments

That SCARF model

[jesse_the_k]

is intriguing!

I wish I'd known about it in the Stone Age when I was working.

Re: That SCARF model

[sonia]

I told the lead project manager at work that I admired how he communicates, and he pointed me to the SCARF model. He's a big Black man, and I'm sure part of it is needing to appear non-threatening, but there's an extra gentleness in how he deals with people that I really appreciate.

[silveradept]

A useful set of things, and the distinction between people who focus on the task and people who focus on the relationship is useful to have. The SCARF model makes sense to me, and I have seen plenty of situations where one of those dimensions is threatened or reduced, without any kind of compensation, and often with frustration at why people are so resistant to proposed or imposed change.

I dp wish more people would engage in clear is kind, though, and that probably includes me. I don't like hearing about things secondhand, especially if it's a desired behavioral change or something that would make working with them easier. (There's also trauma issues there.)

[sonia]

Glad you find them useful! From the SCARF model, status is one I hadn't kept in mind as much when talking to people, so I've been trying to be more mindful of that. I agree "clear is kind" is a big one. I think a lot of people go for "plausible deniability" instead, and yeah, the ensuing surprises are awful.

[silveradept]

Yeah. Very few people want to be the person who actually makes the complaint, if it turns it the other person can't take it well or retaliates.

I will admit that I need time to process and to work through my own issues, but I want to understand up front, so I can develop a useful way of not doing that thing again. (Assuming it isn't something being asked of me where the correct response is "No, and furthermore, fuck you.")