Didn't know what to say
Apr. 25th, 2011 11:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sonia[warning for misogyny]
We were gathered around the dining room table, chatting. 7 women and 1 man, with two more men sitting on the nearby couch. The conversation took a turn toward male erotica, bodybuilding, and then female bodybuilding. One of the men on the couch criticized the colors of bikinis worn by female bodybuilders, and then said, "I don't know why they bother with bikini tops anyway. They're no more human than a hedgehog with their bodies like that."
I glared at him, speechless. I caught the eye of the woman hosting the gathering. No one else even lost their smile, and the conversation rolled along.
I decided to leave soon afterward. As I put my coat on, one woman offered to turn the conversation to less racy topics. I only said, "Everyone seems to be enjoying it, but I'm done."
I wish I had thought to ask him at what point he thinks a woman changes from fully human to less than human as she develops her strength. I wish I felt comfortable enough in the group to say, "Hey, that's not cool." I wish I weren't the only one looking horrified.
I see how social anxiety intersects with privilege and -isms, because my discomfort helped keep me silent. Perhaps the unexamined privilege and -isms contribute to my social anxiety as well. I'm giving some serious thought to finding other groups to hang out with.
There's also a piece where I'm not sure it's my job to keep conversations "appropriate," especially when it's not my gathering. I'm not sure where the line is between colluding through silence, and minding my boundaries, not to mention my resources.
What have you chosen to do in similar situations?
We were gathered around the dining room table, chatting. 7 women and 1 man, with two more men sitting on the nearby couch. The conversation took a turn toward male erotica, bodybuilding, and then female bodybuilding. One of the men on the couch criticized the colors of bikinis worn by female bodybuilders, and then said, "I don't know why they bother with bikini tops anyway. They're no more human than a hedgehog with their bodies like that."
I glared at him, speechless. I caught the eye of the woman hosting the gathering. No one else even lost their smile, and the conversation rolled along.
I decided to leave soon afterward. As I put my coat on, one woman offered to turn the conversation to less racy topics. I only said, "Everyone seems to be enjoying it, but I'm done."
I wish I had thought to ask him at what point he thinks a woman changes from fully human to less than human as she develops her strength. I wish I felt comfortable enough in the group to say, "Hey, that's not cool." I wish I weren't the only one looking horrified.
I see how social anxiety intersects with privilege and -isms, because my discomfort helped keep me silent. Perhaps the unexamined privilege and -isms contribute to my social anxiety as well. I'm giving some serious thought to finding other groups to hang out with.
There's also a piece where I'm not sure it's my job to keep conversations "appropriate," especially when it's not my gathering. I'm not sure where the line is between colluding through silence, and minding my boundaries, not to mention my resources.
What have you chosen to do in similar situations?
no subject
Date: 2011-04-26 05:39 pm (UTC)This, this, this x 1000.
Actually, the whole post, including the problematic/confusing stuff you mention at the end, is all really familiar.
I'm not sure what to do in situations like this, because one is likely to be mobbed, and also to be asked to justify one's humanity. If, like me for instance, one does not have the Smart Words to begin with--and being threatened makes the possibility of verbal defense even less of an option--the prospect of entering into something like that is incredibly daunting.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-26 06:35 pm (UTC)My default is to decide I don't want to be around certain people, and then I worry that people are deciding that about me when I screw up. Well, I guess they have that option, as do I.
It helps to hear that there isn't some easy answer I'm missing, and that you have similar reactions. Thank you.