3 Links: Validation, Racism, and Apologies

[sonia]

Kids these days get too much praise: Praise, validation, and encouragement by Lis Coburn

When a child comes to an adult, dripping with defeat, and says, “I failed,” praise is, “No you didn’t! You did really well!” and validation is, “You’re really disappointed with how you did, hunh? That sucks.” And over time, if adults do nothing but praise, what children hear is: Your self-doubt and weaknesses are not wanted here. Failure is not acceptable, not even thinkable. I cannot accept you unless you do well.

Talking about racism in therapy by Lis Coburn

And often when I opened the door [to talking about racism], the immediate and enthusiastic response was the equivalent to, “I’m allowed to talk about racism? OH MY GOD LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RACISM I’VE SEEN.”
[...]
Talking about race gave her power. It gave her the ability to change her circumstances for the better.

A Better Way to Say Sorry by JoEllen

I’m sorry for…
This is wrong because…
In the future, I will…
Will you forgive me?

This is a top-notch post about apologies, classroom management, and community. I wish JoEllen's About page didn't make my teeth hurt.

Comments

[liv]

Isn't Coburn amazing? I love almost every post on Book of Jubilation.

I'd seen the apologies post before, I think. What is it about JoEllen's About that bothers you?

[sonia]

Yes, I am an instant Coburn fan.

From JoEllen's About: "Christ-centered marriages" and "I’m not afraid of death, and I’d be ecstatic to tell you why." The article itself is great and doesn't have any proselytizing ick, but the About gives clear warning that it might be imminent.

[withagreatlove]

I wholeheartedly agree with the bit about children and failure. I read something along similar lines about the crucial difference in praising children for what they do rather than who they are. Failure is part of life and how we learn - it's so important that kids also come to terms with it rather than internalising a message of perfection that is ontologically tied to their self-identity and definition.

I saw the 'A Better Way to Say Sorry' once before and it's a great guideline, actually. Thanks for sharing.

[sonia]

Glad these resonated with you too!