Are we having fun yet?

[sonia]

I used to love playground swing sets. I'd get on a swing at every opportunity, well into adulthood. The last few times I tried it, though, I abruptly lost my sense of up and down. I gritted my teeth, gripped the chains, and rode it out, but I wasn't having fun any more.

My social life has been feeling that way. I'm gritting my teeth, gripping my boundaries, and riding out the sickening swoops of anxiety and shame, but I'm not having a good time. A large part of that has been trying not to be needy, trying not to be intrusively helpful, and still wanting mutually supportive connections.

In that context, I've been thinking about Captain Awkward's response regarding "How do you take back flirting?" The letter-writer is kindly concerned that a young man might have taken her flirting too seriously. Captain Awkward responds, "I wouldn’t worry too much about managing this guy’s feelings. [...] Assume he can handle himself, and he will handle himself."

I feel like I'm peering through a window at a world where no one worries about their effect on other people. It seems so free and relaxed! Is that "normal"? Is that what's expected of me?

At the same time, it seems like a privileged attitude to me. Growing up, I worried about other people's reactions to me because of direct threats to my physical safety. In my first full-time job, I learned to worry about "perception" and "presentation," and I know my missteps affected my assignments and my salary.

It does feel better, socially, to be my own awkward self and let other people manage themselves and their reactions to me. I still hate being slighted and feel wistful about the warm inclusion I see around me, but at least I'm not piling on with the criticism inside my own head.

Comments

[jesse_the_k]

That sounds hard.

I agree with your assessment of blithe ignorance as symptom of privilege.

Keep up that non-piling-on, as it's oh so healthy!

[sonia]

Thank you for all three of those things.

I'm amazed at the levels of internal piling-on I'm still discovering after all this time.

[suncat]

I think the trick is to not slide to either end of the spectrum. And it can be really difficult!

Yes, people do have responsibility for their own reactions. It is part of being a member of society (a member of the world?) and particularly an adult. But this is not absolute--we've all experienced cases where we just cannot control our reactions, and shouldn't be expected to.

And yes, we each have responsibility for understanding how our actions will be perceived and received by others. You've called it well, describing it as a privileged attitude, to not do so. Sometimes it is necessary to upset or offend others. But to do so because you don't know or care that you're doing it? I find that foolish and immature, and I know I don't like to be around such people.

Obviously, the above two approaches conflict. That's why I think it's best to find a middle point, and yeah, that can be really hard.

[sonia]

Thank you for laying it out. It makes so much sense! I appreciate hearing all the pieces reflected back, and that they do conflict. We take responsibility, and sometimes we react anyway. We try not to offend, but sometimes we do anyway.

Most of all, I think I need to give myself credit for doing my best in the messy middle, rather than worrying that I'm not noticing some easy obvious answer.

[suncat]

Yes, you should give yourself credit. It may be messy in the middle, but remember you've got the best company there.