sonia | Are we having fun yet?

I used to love playground swing sets. I'd get on a swing at every opportunity, well into adulthood. The last few times I tried it, though, I abruptly lost my sense of up and down. I gritted my teeth, gripped the chains, and rode it out, but I wasn't having fun any more.

My social life has been feeling that way. I'm gritting my teeth, gripping my boundaries, and riding out the sickening swoops of anxiety and shame, but I'm not having a good time. A large part of that has been trying not to be needy, trying not to be intrusively helpful, and still wanting mutually supportive connections.

In that context, I've been thinking about Captain Awkward's response regarding "How do you take back flirting?" The letter-writer is kindly concerned that a young man might have taken her flirting too seriously. Captain Awkward responds, "I wouldn’t worry too much about managing this guy’s feelings. [...] Assume he can handle himself, and he will handle himself."

I feel like I'm peering through a window at a world where no one worries about their effect on other people. It seems so free and relaxed! Is that "normal"? Is that what's expected of me?

At the same time, it seems like a privileged attitude to me. Growing up, I worried about other people's reactions to me because of direct threats to my physical safety. In my first full-time job, I learned to worry about "perception" and "presentation," and I know my missteps affected my assignments and my salary.

It does feel better, socially, to be my own awkward self and let other people manage themselves and their reactions to me. I still hate being slighted and feel wistful about the warm inclusion I see around me, but at least I'm not piling on with the criticism inside my own head.