Lilac April 1998 - June 17, 2013
Jun. 17th, 2013 06:49 pmGood-bye sweetness, little cat, Balkan vocal coach, buttery-purr, plush fur, head-butting, snuggly, deaf, loving, stubborn companion of my heart.
June Sundown Healing Arts Newsletter
Jun. 4th, 2013 10:54 amThis person, this being, is filled with radiant love, approval, and pleasure at your very existence.
Achieve Approval
New book responses at Curious, Healing. Have you read these? Comments welcome!
"Crucial Conversations" by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler
"Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me: A Graphic Memoir" by Ellen Forney
Curious, Healing is a blog, and you're welcome to comment there or here about the books. The articles don't have a comment section. You're welcome to comment here or send me email with any thoughts.
If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.
Achieve Approval
New book responses at Curious, Healing. Have you read these? Comments welcome!
"Crucial Conversations" by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler
"Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me: A Graphic Memoir" by Ellen Forney
Curious, Healing is a blog, and you're welcome to comment there or here about the books. The articles don't have a comment section. You're welcome to comment here or send me email with any thoughts.
If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.
Link: How To Be A Victim
Jun. 2nd, 2013 01:54 pmHow To Be A Victim by Malaka Wilson-Greene aka Afrafemme, posted on Black Girl Dangerous.
As a black person, if someone kills you, you better had been a perfect student, or been nice to all your co-workers, and been obedient in every way possible, you had better not fought for your life, or stolen anything, or had children out of wedlock, or been on welfare, or been a gang member, or drug dealer. You had better not been wearing a hoodie, or Nikes, or baggy pants. If you can, please put on a suit before you get killed.
My good deed for the day
Jun. 1st, 2013 05:41 pmI taught a young woman and her father to dance syrtos, because the dad is half-Greek and she wants them to dance it together at her wedding. She said she was having trouble finding someone to teach her, but a friend had been to my dance group a couple of times and put her in touch with me. I had fun, and I think they learned well enough to pull it off. I even taught them the cool trick where the leader and second make an arch for the rest of the line, since they're hoping a bunch of the wedding party will join in. It's interesting to notice how and when one's odd bits of expertise can make someone else's life better.
All marginalised people are practiced at biting our tongues by Sparky at Womanist Musings.
To be clear, the quoted "you" is not directed at anyone reading here. I'm mostly thinking of all the times I tiredly don't say anything about fragrances, and feel like I'm letting myself down in the process.
From the other side, this ties into my emotional conviction that "silence = contempt" and that I'm isolated because I'm just too socially inept to tolerate. I try to tell myself that most people are just living their lives and their responses or lack thereof have nothing to do with me, but I do wonder.
I recently finished reading "Crucial Conversations" and loved what it had to say about creating safety in conversations. It feels like a huge unexpected reprieve when someone does that for me, and I try to do it for others.
via Feministe
Consider that our silence isn’t a sign that you haven’t done anything wrong but that you have put us in a painful, difficult position where we do not feel we can speak.
To be clear, the quoted "you" is not directed at anyone reading here. I'm mostly thinking of all the times I tiredly don't say anything about fragrances, and feel like I'm letting myself down in the process.
From the other side, this ties into my emotional conviction that "silence = contempt" and that I'm isolated because I'm just too socially inept to tolerate. I try to tell myself that most people are just living their lives and their responses or lack thereof have nothing to do with me, but I do wonder.
I recently finished reading "Crucial Conversations" and loved what it had to say about creating safety in conversations. It feels like a huge unexpected reprieve when someone does that for me, and I try to do it for others.
via Feministe
But we can't tell who it is!
May. 13th, 2013 05:35 pmSomeone at dancing yesterday had recently had their hair colored or permed or otherwise chemically modified, and left a trail of unpleasant chemicals throughout the room. I stayed for an hour because I had agreed to teach a few dances, but then left. Everyone knew why I was leaving. The leadership group had agreed to speak to people when this happened, but the most assertive person was away.
Because they can't tell who it is, they don't do anything at all. I have a couple of guesses, but I stayed away from my suspects rather than cozying up to see who it was.
Obviously someone violated our fragrance-free policy, whether through not paying enough attention or figuring they could get away with it. Which they did.
Any suggestions about how to handle this, for me and/or for the rest of the leadership group who are supposedly enforcing our fragrance-free policy? I find I don't have the energy for big dramatic announcements, or even to deal with the "Oh no it's not me!" denial.
Because they can't tell who it is, they don't do anything at all. I have a couple of guesses, but I stayed away from my suspects rather than cozying up to see who it was.
Obviously someone violated our fragrance-free policy, whether through not paying enough attention or figuring they could get away with it. Which they did.
Any suggestions about how to handle this, for me and/or for the rest of the leadership group who are supposedly enforcing our fragrance-free policy? I find I don't have the energy for big dramatic announcements, or even to deal with the "Oh no it's not me!" denial.
May Sundown Healing Arts Newsletter
May. 8th, 2013 11:54 amSensitivities challenge us to assert our body's needs rather than go along with the crowd.
Sensitivity Survival Tips
6 months update
Hard to believe I've already been at the programming job for 6 months. Both the job and the practice are going well. The biggest sign that I've been busy is that CuriousHealing.com hasn't been updated since December 2012. This is not because I've abandoned the blog. As soon as I finish a book, I will be sure to post a response there. I hope to have more time to read soon, but lately the garden calls more loudly for my limited free time.
If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.
Sensitivity Survival Tips
6 months update
Hard to believe I've already been at the programming job for 6 months. Both the job and the practice are going well. The biggest sign that I've been busy is that CuriousHealing.com hasn't been updated since December 2012. This is not because I've abandoned the blog. As soon as I finish a book, I will be sure to post a response there. I hope to have more time to read soon, but lately the garden calls more loudly for my limited free time.
If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.
I always thought it was more complicated, but I didn't realize there was no evidence! Chemical imbalance myth takes a big public fall, by Monica Cassini. Lots of links and references in the post, including one to this detailed post: The chemical imbalance myth: by Chris Kresser.
Drug companies use the chemical imbalance myth to boost their profits. Psychiatrists use the chemical imbalance myth to hide the fact that they don't understand how (or if) the prescribed drugs work.
I understand that psychiatric drugs help many people and I'm glad they're available for those who find them useful. I wish there weren't lies involved, and I wish other modes of treatment were as readily available.
via![[personal profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tim, How To Do Things: Some Preliminary Notes, who says, "[T]he neat, tidy story that such illnesses are the result of random brain misfirings shifts blame from a society that enables systematic abuse of children and everyone else placed in a position of lesser power, onto individuals who can be deemed as defective and disregarded."
Drug companies use the chemical imbalance myth to boost their profits. Psychiatrists use the chemical imbalance myth to hide the fact that they don't understand how (or if) the prescribed drugs work.
I understand that psychiatric drugs help many people and I'm glad they're available for those who find them useful. I wish there weren't lies involved, and I wish other modes of treatment were as readily available.
via
tim, How To Do Things: Some Preliminary Notes, who says, "[T]he neat, tidy story that such illnesses are the result of random brain misfirings shifts blame from a society that enables systematic abuse of children and everyone else placed in a position of lesser power, onto individuals who can be deemed as defective and disregarded."Link: In the near absence of friendship...
May. 4th, 2013 05:37 pmI needed to read this today. Monica Cassani, "In the near absence of friendship..." about the abandonment and isolation of being chronically ill.
I have this persistent idea that lack of friendship and companionship means I'm Doing It Wrong. Maybe it simply means I'm Doing It Honest, and there have been a lot of hard things in my life. It feels a lot better to think of it as a characteristic of our modern rushed mobile society, than as a deep failure in the way I live and relate.
My cat Lilac is now painfully thin from renal failure. I just started her on a new food which she eats enthusiastically and apparently without ill effect, so perhaps the end is a little delayed, but it is clearly coming. I grieve not only her impending loss, but also the fact that she is my only close companion. Meanwhile I enjoy seeing her sprawled luxuriously in the sun-warmed upstairs room, and treasure each moment when she seeks me out, purring.
People are afraid of and do all they can to run from life’s pain and our physical and mental frailty it seems. Those of us who are faced with it discover a side of humanity most are in denial about.
I have this persistent idea that lack of friendship and companionship means I'm Doing It Wrong. Maybe it simply means I'm Doing It Honest, and there have been a lot of hard things in my life. It feels a lot better to think of it as a characteristic of our modern rushed mobile society, than as a deep failure in the way I live and relate.
My cat Lilac is now painfully thin from renal failure. I just started her on a new food which she eats enthusiastically and apparently without ill effect, so perhaps the end is a little delayed, but it is clearly coming. I grieve not only her impending loss, but also the fact that she is my only close companion. Meanwhile I enjoy seeing her sprawled luxuriously in the sun-warmed upstairs room, and treasure each moment when she seeks me out, purring.
Link: Georgia: Where do I fit in?
May. 3rd, 2013 04:10 pmSarah Cobham writes about the clashing experience of Georgian culture after the ecstatic experience of Georgian singing. Georgia: Where do I fit in?
In the blog's first post, Richard says, "I came across a couple of fairly toe-curling articles about the treatment of LGBT people and women [*] in Georgia, quite by accident, and went cold as I read them. I found a few more and then when I searched for them, it became a torrent."
I felt the first stirring of a similar disquiet a while back when I read about Georgia's treatment of its few Jews. The music is gorgeous and singing it can be transcendent, but Georgia itself is even more complex than its music.
I am sitting with conflicting feelings around my own relationship to Georgian singing. It seems less and less likely that I will want to visit there, even if my health improves to allow me to travel more easily. Perhaps I will keep attending workshops. Perhaps I will keep bringing Georgian songs to the group I run. My sense of reaching toward the music has changed into a sense of not-knowing, and waiting to see what happens next.
* ETA: Got clarification from the blog author that it's meant as "LGBT people (one group) and women (another group)" who are not treated well in Georgia.
If the reality of a Georgian supra, hosted in Georgia, dominated by men who negate women, assume and expect they will break from the drudgery of endless food preparation to wash their feet as they come through the door represents all that is supposed to be noble and good about Georgia then I really don't want to be part of it – thank you.
If I can find a place amongst the women who refuse to be seen as either domestic slave or the voiceless teenage virginal bride and who are pressing forward in the struggle to establish and flourish within their own identities, find their own voices, open their hearts and sing their own songs… then count me in.
In the blog's first post, Richard says, "I came across a couple of fairly toe-curling articles about the treatment of LGBT people and women [*] in Georgia, quite by accident, and went cold as I read them. I found a few more and then when I searched for them, it became a torrent."
I felt the first stirring of a similar disquiet a while back when I read about Georgia's treatment of its few Jews. The music is gorgeous and singing it can be transcendent, but Georgia itself is even more complex than its music.
I am sitting with conflicting feelings around my own relationship to Georgian singing. It seems less and less likely that I will want to visit there, even if my health improves to allow me to travel more easily. Perhaps I will keep attending workshops. Perhaps I will keep bringing Georgian songs to the group I run. My sense of reaching toward the music has changed into a sense of not-knowing, and waiting to see what happens next.
* ETA: Got clarification from the blog author that it's meant as "LGBT people (one group) and women (another group)" who are not treated well in Georgia.
Link: Emotional Pain and Sanity
Apr. 20th, 2013 08:37 pm[Content note: use of sanity/insane to label behavior in relation to pain in the quoted article.]
I went back to look at Nimue Brown's blog, and found another powerful post: Emotional Pain and Sanity. She talks about the distinctions between negative feedback, being accidentally hurt by someone else's unresolved stuff, and being hurt by someone who enjoys hurting people.
I do a lot of walking away. Maybe I'm extra-jumpy nowadays, but I've also done a lot of staying and waiting and taken a lot of damage along the way. It's good to see someone else's clear explanation of why leaving is the only answer in some cases.
I went back to look at Nimue Brown's blog, and found another powerful post: Emotional Pain and Sanity. She talks about the distinctions between negative feedback, being accidentally hurt by someone else's unresolved stuff, and being hurt by someone who enjoys hurting people.
We can fool ourselves into thinking we can save such a person, or that they only do it out of pain, but stay there long enough and you’ll see that nothing changes – you do not become ‘good enough’ to please them and they do not become secure enough to let go of their justifications for abuse. There comes a time when sanity demands saying ‘enough’ and walking away.
I do a lot of walking away. Maybe I'm extra-jumpy nowadays, but I've also done a lot of staying and waiting and taken a lot of damage along the way. It's good to see someone else's clear explanation of why leaving is the only answer in some cases.
Link: Psychological Violence
Apr. 15th, 2013 07:53 pmThis essay is powerful enough that I feel wordless around it. Psychological Violence by Nimue Brown.
viaspiralsheep
It’s so easy to make clear to a person that they are worthless, useless, a nuisance, unwanted, unloveable, unacceptable. The martyred air of one who is having to go to some lengths to tolerate you, is soul destroying to encounter.
via
spiralsheepApril Sundown Healing Arts Newsletter
Apr. 9th, 2013 03:14 pmWe instinctively approach a frightened animal with slow, gentle movements and a soft voice. Traumatized humans need the same gentle approach.
The Power of Gentle
If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.
The Power of Gentle
If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.
Content note: scatological humor
Mar. 21st, 2013 06:48 pmThe answers to this Shakesville Question of the day made me laugh until I cried. I don't normally go for scatological humor...
Spring, glorious Spring
Mar. 21st, 2013 05:58 pmSpring in Portland involves cherry blossoms, daffodils - and intermittent hail. Fortunately most of my biking has coincided with the sunny bits.
Interesting to notice my attunement to the weather. Working at a co-worker's house, I said, "It's hailing!" He peered out uncertainly, and I said, "I can hear the ice against the windows!" He said he hadn't noticed the different sound.
I'm procrastinating on my taxes. I did renew my driver's license. My photo from 8 years ago looks like I was 20. The temporary printout of today's photo looks like I'm 50. Oh well, at least it will look like me until the next renewal.
Trip to DC went well. I didn't get any terrible headaches, which was a big surprise considering the plane flight, hotel stay, and the occasional co-worker walking by my desk exuding a plume of perfume chemicals. The singing workshop was fantastic, it was good to see friends, and staying with my sister for a couple of days went as well as could be expected.
( Museum reports )
Okay, back to those pesky taxes. It will be good to have them done, since I have plenty of other things to focus on!
Interesting to notice my attunement to the weather. Working at a co-worker's house, I said, "It's hailing!" He peered out uncertainly, and I said, "I can hear the ice against the windows!" He said he hadn't noticed the different sound.
I'm procrastinating on my taxes. I did renew my driver's license. My photo from 8 years ago looks like I was 20. The temporary printout of today's photo looks like I'm 50. Oh well, at least it will look like me until the next renewal.
Trip to DC went well. I didn't get any terrible headaches, which was a big surprise considering the plane flight, hotel stay, and the occasional co-worker walking by my desk exuding a plume of perfume chemicals. The singing workshop was fantastic, it was good to see friends, and staying with my sister for a couple of days went as well as could be expected.
( Museum reports )
Okay, back to those pesky taxes. It will be good to have them done, since I have plenty of other things to focus on!
March Sundown Healing Arts Newsletter
Mar. 19th, 2013 08:48 pmIf you know someone in an abusive situation, express your trust in their essential strength and capacity to find their way.
Reasons to Stay
The Curious, Healing blog hasn't been abandoned - it's just that I haven't had time to read any books! As soon as I do, I'll post there again.
If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.
Reasons to Stay
The Curious, Healing blog hasn't been abandoned - it's just that I haven't had time to read any books! As soon as I do, I'll post there again.
If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.
Consequences of kindness
Mar. 5th, 2013 07:36 pmFrom Dave Hingsburger, "GGG VS GGG". A satisfying story about the consequences of kindness and its lack.
Perhaps I'll mail the link to my sister.
Perhaps I'll mail the link to my sister.
Harriet Jay talks about sex work
Feb. 24th, 2013 03:46 pmI'm delighted to report that Harriet Jay is blogging again at Fugitivus, with a post titled Sex work from a dipshit perspective. By sharing her journey from judging sex workers with unthinking stereotypes to learning about sex workers as real people, she invites us to make that journey with her.
Eye doctor unclear on consent
Feb. 14th, 2013 02:29 pmWalked out of the middle of my appointment with an eye doctor. "I'm done." Left me shaking with anger and adrenaline, but proud that I listened to myself and took action. ( How is this woman still in practice? ) I mean, SERIOUSLY.
Malka Moma
Feb. 10th, 2013 03:33 pmNot the same song as the last video I posted, and definitely not the same style.
Neli Andreeva and the Filip Kutev choir sing Malka Moma. The top comment on a different version (where the sound wasn't quite as good) says "This is how ppl talk with God." Yes.
Neli Andreeva and the Filip Kutev choir sing Malka Moma. The top comment on a different version (where the sound wasn't quite as good) says "This is how ppl talk with God." Yes.
