Sonia Connolly

I love this post by thefourthvine: You're Always Coming Out.

As a single not-particularly-butch woman, I have to work pretty hard to come out as a lesbian, and the conversation always seems to sputter a bit, even with other queer folks. "Oh, I, uh, didn't know that." (Uh-huh, that's why I'm telling you, because last I checked, it's not branded on my forehead. Sigh)

I'm taking a class by phone and we're communicating by email. Today I got an email to the class list advertising a vaguely related paid class (enticing language, testimonials, the works) from one of the students. Oh yeah, she's the primary contact for this paid class.

I sent an email saying it's rude to advertise to a class list without consent. I got back a nice enough email saying she wouldn't do it again, but she called her email an "invitation" several times.

I find myself even angrier than I was originally. It's one thing to spam people, and it's another thing to pretend it's an invitation even after you get called out for spamming. Argh! As usual, I get most upset when people try to warp reality.

I wrote back suggesting a language change. "You invite friends. You advertise a paid class." I notice that something in me is afraid of a backlash for pressing the point.

What if this problem is already solved?
Exit Emergency Mode

New book response at Curious, Healing. Have you read this? Comments welcome!
"Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family" by Ellyn Satter

Wellspring of Compassion in libraries
I hear with delight that a reader's request resulted in her local library stocking Wellspring of Compassion. I started my search for healing in a library, and my goal is for Wellspring of Compassion to be available to as many people searching for healing as possible. Thanks for requesting it at your local library!

Curious, Healing is a blog, and you're welcome to comment there or here about the books. The articles don't have a comment section. You're welcome to comment here or send me email with any thoughts.

If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.

It was an unpleasant shock to receive a license renewal form for Lilac. "If your pet has passed away, please indicate this in the NOTES section below." I found a way to do it online.

I had forgotten all about this bit of municipal intrusion into my life. I wish the vet had a way of notifying them, although that ends up being even more intrusive, with a license number and death notification being passed around. So many rules. So much surveillance.

I suppose a human death involves a whole lot more paperwork and intrusion.

When we stop fighting our shadows, we see ourselves and the rest of the world more clearly.
Unhook from Projection

New book responses at Curious, Healing. Have you read these? Comments welcome!
"The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" by Debbie Ford
"Child of Mine" by Ellyn Satter

Curious, Healing is a blog, and you're welcome to comment there or here about the books. The articles don't have a comment section. You're welcome to comment here or send me email with any thoughts.

If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.

My word of the year for 2013 was relax. Working hard at relaxing would have been counterproductive, so it went along in the back of my mind a lot of the time without direct attention.

I did end up working at discerning my attitudes toward relaxing, both physically and with general effort, and got an article out of that. Two, actually. Mostly I learned that relaxation and dissociation aren't the same thing. I'm still exploring how it feels to relax while staying present.

I see some progress toward not working AS HARD AS POSSIBLE all the time. Overall my anxiety level is lower. Things seem to get done eventually, if not as efficiently or quickly as I expect. There's also more resignation and less effort around my social anxiety. The line between relaxing and giving up around being "acceptable" is still unclear.

Related to that line of thought, I've chosen "welcome" for 2014. I want to feel welcome. I started thinking about it a month ago, and it immediately twisted itself around into, "I should be more welcoming." I don't like the "should" aspect, but I will pay attention when I push things away.

There's a lot of victim-blaming and magical thinking around social connections and loneliness. "You should try harder to fit in." "Fix what's wrong with you and people will like you better." Also, "Be yourself and you'll find your people." That hasn't worked out quite the way I imagined. A handful of connections I value but hold lightly, and none I depend on.

I entered my Returning Veterans Project hours for the last 6 months. 26 free hours of bodywork to 7 clients. It sounds like less than I expected when I add it up, but it averages out to 1 a week, or at least 10% of my practice, since 10 hours/week is an upper limit. This is the fourth year I've participated.

I've worked with a lot of veterans and spouses, each challenging my preconceptions in their own ways. If I had to generalize, I'd say they're all pragmatic, dealing with what's in front of them with resigned patience and determined skill.

I am anti-war but pro-veteran, and I'm glad to be able to help these men & women & their families heal from the harm war has done.

Relaxation is surrender, not to someone else, but to our present truth.
Content Note: brief child rape example.
Relax For Your Life

With US Thanksgiving and Chanukah at the end of this month, and more holidays next month, remember that you can Choose Your Traditions.

New book responses at Curious, Healing. Have you read these? Comments welcome!
"The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross
"The Body Has a Mind of Its Own" by Sandra Blakeslee and Matthew Blakeslee

Article archives on TraumaHealed.com
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Curious, Healing is a blog, and you're welcome to comment there or here about the books. The articles don't have a comment section. You're welcome to comment here or send me email with any thoughts.

If you want the monthly newsletter in your inbox, along with news about my practice, you can subscribe here.

On my evening walk, a half-grown sleek black cat with one white paw and half a white nose came running toward me, tail vertical. Sometimes cats run right past me, intent on their own business, but this one stopped in front of me with an imperious high pitched mew. I squatted down and extended a friendly fist. She walked around behind me - and leaped lightly onto my back, purring warmly in my ear. I cautiously stood up, and she stayed up there, not even digging in with her claws.

I got her down and took a look at her collar. "Frannie" and I hung out a bit longer and she jumped up on my back again, draping herself around my neck. We parted ways when a couple of pedestrians approached with a dog. I didn't want her startled with claws in close proximity to my head.

I walked back up that way later, but didn't see her. I might just walk down that block again at evening time, looking around hopefully for the most sociable cat to strangers I've ever met.

It's suddenly rainy season in Portland, so I'm suddenly wearing a long raincoat when I get a ride with someone. I stuck my cell phone in my pocket. When I got home, I noticed the outer screen (yes, I still have a flip phone) was partly blank, partly cracked under the outer covering, and still working over in one corner. The inside works fine. I stared at it for a while, and then remembered ever so gently shutting the car door on a corner of my coat, and then readjusting.

Oops. Never done that before, in nearly 15 years of cell phone ownership! (Maybe it helps not to have owned a car for 11 of those years.)

Turns out I can get a newer version of the same phone for $15 from Consumer Cellular. Yay. Seems like a small price to pay for that mistake! I thought about upgrading to something with easier texting, but it's not worth $100 to me for an Android phone. Sounds like too much work to have another computer to maintain.

Pretty amazing that the phone still works and only the outer screen is (mostly) non-functional.