Leftover Thanksgiving query

[sonia]

One of the figurative leftovers from my friend's visit is puzzling over ownership of literal leftovers. My friend's narcissistic partner (let's call her Nan, for short) made it known several times that she expected to take a share of Thanksgiving leftovers with her when they left. I said no every time, and indeed did not give them any, except the dish my friend prepared (with ingredients I provided). I spent a lot of money, time, and energy on that food, and it's *mine*. My fridge and freezer have plenty of room in them.

As far as I remember, my parents didn't send leftovers home with people. I have been the happy recipient of Thanksgiving leftovers at other people's homes, but it certainly wouldn't occur to me to demand them. I also help cook, unlike Nan who found other things to do so assiduously that she was late sitting down to eat with us. To be fair, my friend did help, although I had to be firm to keep her from getting distracted by Nan's drama.

My parents immigrated to the US as young adults. Did we miss learning some essential part of the Thanksgiving ritual? Does feeding someone Thanksgiving dinner imply a commitment to sharing the leftovers? Is there a regional aspect to this? I grew up in Northern Virginia.

Comments

[batdina]

personally, I think "Nan" was out of line. we brought the food to the family homestead (so we could eat it!) and even we didn't bring food home with us but left it for the parentals and the rest of the family that was staying over longer than we were. My Aunt wanted some stuffing, and it was up to my father whether she got some; even she didn't demand, just inquired.

The gift of leftovers is exactly that, a gift.

[sonia]

Thanks. That's the way I've always seen it!

[oursin]

Okay, not my culture and not my celebration, but I can just about see this if it were to be framed in terms of 'do you need any help using up the leftovers?' - because there are all those plaints about turkey, turkey, turkey, this way and t'other way but still, you know, TURKEY for days and days and days afterwards. But the idea that parting guests should be presented with doggie bags - unless they have a long and arduous journey home, surely not? (I suppose it could be some relic of pioneering days when the journey was long and arduous...?)

At least it was just the leftovers, and not giving up the entire Christmas dinner to the Hummels.

[sonia]

Thanks for your thoughts!

Yeah, I could see offering using-up help (once), but it wasn't framed that way. I don't remember the exact words, but it was more like, "We'll be taking some leftovers." Uh, no.

Long journey, yes, but plenty of opportunities to acquire their own food along the way. I think it this case she decided it would be convenient and assumed I would go along with providing supplies.

[javacat]

My parents would send everyone home with leftovers, but that was a treat. Good for you for standing up for yourself, and maybe Nan was just clueless, and clinging to her own families past traditions. I've certainly been clueless about things like this, and it's taken people standing up to me for me to finally get it.

[sonia]

Thanks. I'm very pleased that I stood up for myself. :-) Maybe someday I'll get over the tendency for post-conflict doubt to set in.

I think it was irremediable cluelessness - narcissistic obliviousness to other people's needs. This wasn't the only instance during the two day visit, just one I wondered about.

[laughingrat]

Hmm, well we send each other home with leftovers in my family, but it's all family. And it's sort of what we do. We're a very leftover-share-y, food-share-y family. I think if I went to a friend's Thanksgiving, I would not expect to be given leftovers, because they had just straight-up shared a dang MEAL with me.

[cofax7]

Yes, this. I take leftovers home from my sister's because I cooked half the meal and bought the turkey, even if we did 90% of the cooking in her kitchen. And we sent leftovers home with my folks, becaus they are past the point of being able to prepare that kind of meal for themselves. But I cannot imagine ever being invited to a stranger's house for a meal and then demanding to bring home the leftovers, especially if I hadn't contributed anything to the meal itself.

So good on you, Sonia, for saying no.

[sonia]

Thanks for the support! I felt clear about it at the time, and then there was this niggling worry about selfishness...

[sonia]

Yeah, that! I'm normally leftover share-y too, and in fact I did give them leftover food I'd bought for them which I can't eat, but I wanted to keep the stuff I can eat.

[julian]

In my part of American culture (which is by no means everyone's), if /you want/ to give people leftovers, that is your right. I, as a guest, do not expect them, and requiring them is gauche. (But in some parts of the US, it may well be considered polite to offer it. But the guest still doesn't /ask/.)

It's often one of those shows of love in some families, of course.

[sonia]

Thanks for the perspective. I suppose I'll have to live with possibly not having been polite, considering some of the jaw-dropping rudeness I'd already received.

[julian]

I'd say her rudeness and agenda-driven narrative trumped any accidental impoliteness, there. Plus, as I said, it's /optional/.

[suncat]

I grew up in Minnesota, and also experienced many Thanksgivings with my mother's family in North Dakota. Now after years with my family, my in-laws and various friends, my experience on leftovers has been "it depends". It's pretty common to hear "please take something and help us eat up the leftovers". But that's only if the host(s) want to, and demanding them would be utterly unacceptable.

There are, however, often repeated requests for certain recipes.

This Nan needs a treatment with a clue-by-four. I do understand that usually *nothing* gets through to a true narcissist. I, too, feel sad for your friend.

[sonia]

That matches my experience, and also my assumptions about Minnesota manners. I wonder what a typical Minnesotan would do if someone did demand leftovers!

Thanks for the sympathy. It was breath-taking to watch Nan pursue her own agenda to the exclusion of everyone else's.