Word of the Year: Home
Dec. 31st, 2022 11:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soniaMy word of the year this year was Home. In retrospect I chose it because the winds of change were already blowing, and it also feels like a giant excavator that dug in and rearranged my life. Well, I dug in and rearranged my life, with the compass needle pointing Home to the Bay Area.
My biggest fear was that I would go through all that and it wouldn't make anything better. But it did. Views of the Bay, longtime friendships, bike rides, sunshine, warmth, diversity, it's all a much better fit for me here. I was telling a friend that I don't feel like I've aged out of the biking demographic here the way I did in Portland, and just then a woman who was at least 70 biked by with her groceries. "See???" I have an ongoing gut-level gratitude to find myself here, to be home.
I feel like I should be able to justify or explain why this is home, when I didn't grow up here. But it just is. I love it here. Love is mysterious.
Just like my love of Balkan dancing and singing is enduring, even though I don't have Balkan heritage. At least I did grow up with that music and dancing. Plenty of people love it who encountered it later, too.
There's a wonderful Balkan dance group up the hill from me, with masks and vaccination required, where there are lots of people who are better dancers than I am and know more dances. What a treat! I get to do fun dances in a whole line of people who know it. And they appreciate when I happen to know a dance they haven't learned yet, and lead the line.
Someone else started a recreational Balkan singing group here, and again there are lots of people who are better singers than I am and know lots of songs already. What a joy! I'm sharing my repertoire of sheet music and recordings, and helping with logistics, but it's not a struggle just to find people to sing with the way it was in Portland.
I got to be part of the 3-session class of Kitka's community choir Zele in November, and I'll probably go again in March. A whole room of good singers with a fantastic leader! And in-person singing lessons with my two favorite singing teachers. Home home home.
Even with the terrible job struggles this year, I'm so much happier. Deeply, in my gut happier. I'm still a little uneasy about my condo, and I'm wondering how long I'll be here. Hopefully at least a couple of years. Moving is so much work! And hopefully the new job will be a better fit for me too.
Which brings me around to my word for 2023, Trust. It first came up back in August when my manager talked about rebuilding trust (without becoming more trustworthy...). In my new job, building trust is woven into the definition of the project, and people are serious about it, not playing manipulative games.
In a recent lesson, my singing teacher talked about trusting the breath, and allowing the breath to be trustworthy. I want to trust myself, my body, my impulses, my loves. Choosing trust feels like it's about repairing my relationship with the world and with myself. The opposite of trauma, or getting to the other side of trauma through the long healing process. Trusting myself to spot manipulation, and also not blaming myself if I don't.
I had to trust the inner current and the inner voice that was moving me toward Home, so perhaps that's part of why Trust already started emerging partway through the year. I'm hoping Trust will be gentler and more restorative than the revolution of Home this year. Home, safety, trust, they all feel like they go together.
Full list:
2023: Trust
2022: Home
2021: Respect
2020: Kindness
2019: Warmth
2018: Care
2017: Solace
2016: Ease
2015: Music
2014: Welcome
2013: Relax
2012: Connection
2011: Delight
2010: Flow
My biggest fear was that I would go through all that and it wouldn't make anything better. But it did. Views of the Bay, longtime friendships, bike rides, sunshine, warmth, diversity, it's all a much better fit for me here. I was telling a friend that I don't feel like I've aged out of the biking demographic here the way I did in Portland, and just then a woman who was at least 70 biked by with her groceries. "See???" I have an ongoing gut-level gratitude to find myself here, to be home.
I feel like I should be able to justify or explain why this is home, when I didn't grow up here. But it just is. I love it here. Love is mysterious.
Just like my love of Balkan dancing and singing is enduring, even though I don't have Balkan heritage. At least I did grow up with that music and dancing. Plenty of people love it who encountered it later, too.
There's a wonderful Balkan dance group up the hill from me, with masks and vaccination required, where there are lots of people who are better dancers than I am and know more dances. What a treat! I get to do fun dances in a whole line of people who know it. And they appreciate when I happen to know a dance they haven't learned yet, and lead the line.
Someone else started a recreational Balkan singing group here, and again there are lots of people who are better singers than I am and know lots of songs already. What a joy! I'm sharing my repertoire of sheet music and recordings, and helping with logistics, but it's not a struggle just to find people to sing with the way it was in Portland.
I got to be part of the 3-session class of Kitka's community choir Zele in November, and I'll probably go again in March. A whole room of good singers with a fantastic leader! And in-person singing lessons with my two favorite singing teachers. Home home home.
Even with the terrible job struggles this year, I'm so much happier. Deeply, in my gut happier. I'm still a little uneasy about my condo, and I'm wondering how long I'll be here. Hopefully at least a couple of years. Moving is so much work! And hopefully the new job will be a better fit for me too.
Which brings me around to my word for 2023, Trust. It first came up back in August when my manager talked about rebuilding trust (without becoming more trustworthy...). In my new job, building trust is woven into the definition of the project, and people are serious about it, not playing manipulative games.
In a recent lesson, my singing teacher talked about trusting the breath, and allowing the breath to be trustworthy. I want to trust myself, my body, my impulses, my loves. Choosing trust feels like it's about repairing my relationship with the world and with myself. The opposite of trauma, or getting to the other side of trauma through the long healing process. Trusting myself to spot manipulation, and also not blaming myself if I don't.
I had to trust the inner current and the inner voice that was moving me toward Home, so perhaps that's part of why Trust already started emerging partway through the year. I'm hoping Trust will be gentler and more restorative than the revolution of Home this year. Home, safety, trust, they all feel like they go together.
Full list:
2023: Trust
2022: Home
2021: Respect
2020: Kindness
2019: Warmth
2018: Care
2017: Solace
2016: Ease
2015: Music
2014: Welcome
2013: Relax
2012: Connection
2011: Delight
2010: Flow
So glad to see that the home you've made is
Date: 2023-01-02 11:34 pm (UTC)trustable.
I have an ongoing gut-level gratitude to find myself here, to be home.
That's how I felt when I moved to Madison. Tons of stuff I had no idea how to deal with -- farming is an actual job? kids in bars? -- but I was able to breathe free.
Re: So glad to see that the home you've made is
Date: 2023-01-03 12:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-01-05 05:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-01-06 05:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-01-08 10:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-01-10 06:14 am (UTC)